Hard Candy Christmas

"Christmas: It's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving."

-Garfield

"I'll be fine and dandy. Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas. I'm barely getting to tomorrow but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down."

-Dolly Parton

I wanted to just take a minute in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to reflect on the real reason for the season. I think too often that so many of us forget to just take a minute to reflect on what Christmas is really all about. It's not about getting the newest toys or the latest fashions, it's about being with the ones you love and celebrating the magic of the holiday season. I also think it's important to take a minute to remember all those who don't have any family or even a place to stay. I work with a lot of homeless youth at my site and I just feel so bad for them that many of them won't have a place to stay on Christmas Eve and will be forced to sleep on the streets in the cold Chicago winter. It doesn't seem right that they have no place to stay and no family to take them in or buy them presents for the holiday. It breaks my heart that they are in this situation through no fault of their own. My sincerest holiday wish this year is that they all find a home and a family to love them this next year. I know that's unrealistic but Christmas is all about miracles.

We also should take a moment to remember those who have lost a loved one this year and will be spending Christmas without them for the first time. Just in the last 48 hours, I have found out about three people back home who have lost someone they cared about and it just kills me. I have always thought that people dying so close to Christmas is some kind of cruel joke that God likes to play on us. It just doesn't seem right to lose somebody you love so close to what should be a day of joy, not sadness. I don't know why these things have to happen. I just know that it is a terrible thing.

So, while you are out these next few days buying that last toy that your child or sibling or spouse just has to have, just take a minute to reflect on what the real meaning of this season is. Is it really about the gifts?? Does your wife really need that diamond necklace she's been eyeing all year?? Do your kids really need those video games that they have been begging you for since March?? Do you really need to pile on more debt so you can buy something that will score you extra points and make you the best father/son/husband/brother ever?? The answer to all these questions is no. I worry that Christmas has become too commercial and has become all about the stuff. Whatever happened to spending the holiday with family and singing Christmas carols and baking cookies and staying up late talking to a long -lost friend? Isn't that what Christmas is really all about?? Reflect on that for a minute and you just might realize that you have signed up for the material rather than the spiritual side of Christmas.

As for me, I'm not getting anyone any gifts this year mainly because my budget can't afford it anyway. I couldn't even think of anything I wanted or needed for Christmas either. Odd, as I used to be the kid who had his Christmas list ready by Halloween and made sure to pack it with lots of stuff that I just had to have. Now, reflecting on it, I realize that I had too much stuff. Most of that stuff I played with for a few months but then never touched it again. A lot of it is probably sitting in a box in the garage somewhere. Stuff that I just had to have is now collecting dust. How sad is that?? Plus, to be honest, I don't really have room for any more stuff. I have way too many movies (which I almost never watch since I rarely re-watch a movie), books (which I rarely re-read), CDs (which just get uploaded straight to my Ipod and then never opened again) and various other things. Of course, there are some things that I have gotten for Christmas that I still use frequently (Ipod, TiVo, my big-screen TV that I cannot wait to get back to) and such. However, the majority of the stuff that I get for Christmas ends up not getting much use. Perhaps I've finally realized that the stuff isn't important. It took moving here and living simply for me to realize that that is actually an efficient and good way to live.

I'm not going home for Christmas so will be spending it here in Chicago with the cold and the snow. It's supposed to snow almost every day this week which I am excited about. Should make for a white Christmas which is rare in my world!! Most of the roommates headed home for the holidays so the house is practically deserted now. Makes for some very quiet nights which allows me to get a lot done. I've been "adopted" for the holidays so won't have to spend it alone which is good. I'm realizing that family is not just your biological family but also whoever you choose to include in the definition. Work is slowly turning into a ghost town and next week there will be almost nobody there which means my work load will be significantly reduced. That should allow me time to finish up my seminary applications and get them submitted. It's a long process but I am diligently plowing through them. I still plan to have them completely finished and ready to submit by January 1st so that I can go party on New Year's Eve with a clear conscience!! The last couple of weeks at work have been super busy as Advent at a church is always a busy time of year, in case you didn't know so I am looking forward to next week when it slows down considerably. Have had so much going on the last couple of weeks between Christmas parties and Christmas dinners and special worship services and such so a week to just relax and not do anything will be great and is exactly what I need. It's also that time of year for me when my movie watching ramps up considerably as we are hitting awards season (aka my second favorite time of year). I've already made a list of all the movies I need to see and have started diligently plugging away at them. So, for the next few months, I may be busy watching a lot of movies. I can't help it, I will always be a movie buff!! Anyway, I shall close this off. I will probably not get a chance to write again until after Christmas so I do sincerely wish everyone all the best and may you have a Merry Christmas!! Remember to take some time to acknowledge those who have no roof over their head or food in their belly and also those who are grieving the loss of a loved one this Christmas. Maybe call them up and invite them over to your house for Christmas or some similar gesture. I know they will appreciate it even if they don't accept the offer. Finally, I want to leave you with my all-time favorite verse from the Christmas story. Enjoy and remember God loves you (and so do I)!!

"And it came to pass that in those days there were shepherds watching over their flocks by night and an angel of the Lord appeared before them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and they were afraid. But the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which shall be to all people for unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior which is Christ the Lord."

Silent Night

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phillipians 4:13

Today, we spent the day on a silent retreat. This means that we turned off our cell phones, left our iPods at home and were required to not speak for the entire day. I, for one, had been looking forward to this day for a while even though I did have some trepidation over whether or not I would be able to do it. If you know me, you know how much I like to talk. I can be a very talkative person when I want to be and when I feel comfortable with the people involved. However, I can also be really good at not talking when the moment requires or when I am feeling shy so I knew that I would be able to do this. Because of the weather (highs in the teens and snow on the ground), we opted to do our day of silence at Navy Pier which has lots of shops and restaurants and an IMAX theater and an indoor garden and plenty of other things to distract us from keeping silent.

This definitely made it harder as there were lots of people there and so I had to resist the temptation to talk to anybody. The temptation to talk was all around us as we couldn't even really go into a store or to McDonald's because it would be hard not to talk while in there. I spent the day doing a lot of talking with God and journaling. God and I had a good, long talk about everything that has happened to me and about my life's journey. I really needed that time with him and am glad I did it. I am also glad that this retreat happened right in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. During this time of year, it can be very hard if not impossible for anybody to slow down and spend some time in silent reflection and talking with God. It helped put the whole season in perspective. I love Christmas but even I will admit that the holiday has become so commercialized and full of consumerism that we tend to forget the real reason why the holiday exists. I actually spent the first two hours of my silent time sitting right by Santa's Workshop observing all the kids standing in line waiting to sit on Santa's lap so they could tell him what they wanted for Christmas. It was an interesting experience contrasting the two in my head: the day of silence and reflection with God contrasted with the very epitome of consumerism and gifts. I will always love Santa Claus and I love getting gifts at Christmas but doing this retreat in the midst of the Christmas holiday season reminded me of the true meaning of the day.

It's about making time for God. Remembering to take some time out of our busy days and our busy lives to just sit and be and not be so worried about everything else going on in our lives. I'm a Type A personality so I like to stay busy but today I found myself being comforted by being able to just sit and journal and not have to feel pressured to go anywhere or buy anything or do anything other than just sit there and relax and let the Spirit lead me. I got the chance to walk all over Navy Pier which has so much to see and do and I definitely want to go back when I can talk again as it looks like fun. Most importantly, though, I got to do some thinking about myself and my YAV year. I realized that I am letting other people's expectations cloud my judgement. I have been so worried about what others are going to think of me or going to say to me that I have forgotten to focus on what I and most importantly God thinks of me. God loves me and that will always be true and that is honestly the only thing that really matters in life. It is the one constant in my life and God wants me to be here and God knows what he is doing in my life here. No, what I'm doing isn't what I signed up for and doesn't necessarily yield tangible results and doesn't let me use my gifts in the way that I wanted to and doesn't always go smoothly or easily or well but that's not the point. I am here doing God's work and that is the most important thing. He's allowing me to develop other gifts and realize important things about myself. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I am starting to become convinced that a YAV year is less about the work you do and more about the person you become. 6 months ago, I would have never imagined that I would be here doing what I am doing and learning what I am learning. I would have never seen myself cooking dinner for others (and being pretty good at it too) or working mostly behind the scenes or giving up my dream of moving to New York and being a professional actor or applying to seminary yet all those things are happening to me in my time here and it's great and wonderful and sometimes painful and terrible but that's all part of the journey.

I was talking the other night with a former YAV who now lives here in Chicago and she was saying that her YAV year was an absolute nightmare that she is still recovering from. She said that for most people at the end of their year, they find that the negatives and the positives almost even out. Yet, she also said that it was still the most important and formative year of her life. I think that is proving to be true. Yes, being a YAV is tough and there are plenty of times when I just want to throw in the towel and wonder if I am even making a difference in anybody's lives or saving the world or even having a good time. Life here is tough, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Yet, in my journey today, I realized that that is the whole point of it. Sometimes, we have to be completely broken before God can do any good in our lives. Yet, if we just believe in his power and listen to his voice, we can accomplish anything and need to learn how to do that.

I also spent some time today just reading the Bible which is something I almost never do. I've never been a big fan of the Bible and have often made it clear that it doesn't play a part in what I believe. What I believe is not based on what the Bible teaches but what I feel in my heart to be the truth. I think too many people expect the Bible to answer all the great mysteries of life and it just doesn't do that for me. However, I have realized that I really need to spend more time just studying the Bible and figuring out why I have so many issues with it. I started off the day by rereading my favorite Bible verse (reprinted above) and journaling about what this verse means to me in light of everything I have experienced since I have been here. It helped me realize that I need to stop letting my fear of failure or my fear of disappointing others stop me from doing things. I've let my fear paralyze me for so long and it is time to just trust in God and follow him. After all, I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If I want to go to seminary, I'm gonna do it and not worry about whether or not it is the right fit for me or that I will flunk out or that I won't be smart enough to make the cut and will have to drop out thereby disappointing everyone. It's time to put those fears to rest and just let God take over. He's never steered me wrong so far so why would he now?? Trust in Him more and good things will come from it.

I'm glad I had this chance for some introspection. I really needed it especially in the craziness known as Advent. I need to start making it a more common part of my routine, maybe taking a couple days a month or whatever to just spend with God and doing some reflection. It's not a bad idea in the grand scheme of things. I successfully managed to not talk for over seven hours which is a personal record and proved that I should just shut up more!!

We broke the fast with dinner at Bubba Gump's and having our pictures taken with Santa Claus because we are all five year olds!! All in all, it was a great day and I am so glad that we did it. It really helped me reconnect with myself and with God and made me realize that I need to refocus my self and my priorities. Perhaps being a Type A personality just isn't going to work anymore. Or perhaps I can still be a Type A but just make sure to take some down time for introspection. Thoughts to ponder as I move through the rest of my week. Last week was super busy but this one is not looking as bad which is really good. Next week is practically dead and the week after that will be almost a ghost town which will be nice as it will allow for plenty of down time. Whether or not I end up using it wisely remains to be seen!! Hope everyone is having a great Advent season and staying warm. The highs are in the low 20s right now and yet I haven't felt that cold yet. I've learned how to shovel snow which is a skill I thought I would never actually learn!! Remember, God loves you and so do I!!

Winter Wonderland!!

Well, folks, winter has officially come to Chicago as this week saw our first snowfall of the season. It started Wednesday and hasn't really stopped since. It looks really beautiful to be honest. It's like a real life winter wonderland here and I personally love it. I didn't get enough snow as a kid so my inner child is very happy right now. I can't wait to build a snow fort and a snow man and go ice skating and do all those other winter time activities that I never got to experience growing up in Texas. I'm sure come January, I will be sick of it but for right now it is the perfect thing to get me in the holiday mood.

Speaking of the holidays, we have hit my favorite time of year which means I am super busy with all the Advent/Christmas activities going on around me. This next few weeks are filled with Christmas parties and special worship services and gift exchanges and free food and caroling. I've already started listening to Christmas music and have been occasionally watching Christmas movies to get myself psyched up for the holiday. I just love the Christmas season and am really excited about this one because I am actually spending it someplace cold. It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when it is 60 degrees outside but when the highs are in the 20s and the lows are in the teens (as they have been all this week) it makes getting in the Christmas spirit so much easier. I usually go into a bit of a depression right around the holidays for some reason and I admit I was a bit depressed for a few weeks there (which I think is understandable given everything that happened) but I'm feeling much better now. I attended a Blue Christmas service at LakeView the other day and that was a good way to get some of the sadness and misery and depression out and dealt with. Anyway, now I'm back to being the same old happy-go-lucky me that I once was. Now that I've got the holiday blues out of the way, I can focus on all the good things that are happening in my world right now.

On Monday, the six of us in Faith House woke up ridiculously early in the morning to head to the State Capitol in Springfield for People of Faith Rally Day. We got the opportunity to rally the state legislators to abolish the death penalty in the State of Illinois. It was an exciting opportunity and one that the political junkie in me enjoyed thoroughly. Unfortunately, the issue didn't get voted on this session so the House and Senate will reconvene in January to discuss it. On the bright side, however, the House and Senate did pass the civil unions bill meaning that starting next summer it will officially be legal to get a civil union in the state of Illinois!! So, at least some good came out of the legislative session even if the actual issue that we were there to rally on didn't actually get voted on.

Just to clarify, the State of Illinois has the death penalty currently but has not used it in over ten years yet still maintains a death row where the prisoners just sit in limbo filing appeal after appeal and costing the taxpayers thousands of dollars every year on a broken system that doesn't serve any purpose and promotes the myth that killing an individual can bring any sort of peace or closure to someone's life. It doesn't and keeping the death penalty just ends up costing the taxpayers more in the long run and goes against every single Biblical teaching there is. As a Christian, I cannot support such a barbaric and inhumane practice and that is why I was looking forward to the trip to Springfield to rally behind a cause that I believe so strongly in. Plus, I got to see the Capitol Building which is always a plus.

Ok, off my soapbox. This next week consists of a staff Xmas party at work (which includes a white elephant gift exchange), the Young Adult Progressive Dinner, a Lessons and Carols Service and maybe more. All in all, it is going to be a busy but great week!! I've already got my Christmas sweater ready to wear for all the holiday occasions!! I'm staying warm so don't be worried about me freezing to death. I brought plenty of warm clothing with me plus a scarf, hat, gloves and snow pants so I seriously think I am going to be ok. If I can survive winter in Chicago, I'm pretty sure I can survive anything!! I've been in a baking mood lately so I think things are going to prove to be fun around here!! Look at me, I'm turning into a regular ole' chef!! First the cooking, now the baking!! Where could this possibly lead?? I'll keep you posted on that development. I've also made it my goal to have all of my grad school applications done by the first of the year which is a large task but I think I can do it. I am going to have a lot of free time over the holidays so will use it diligently (hopefully!). Anyway, will close this off now as I need to get to bed soon. I hope you all have a great week and remember Jesus loves you (and so do I)!!

Thankfulness

I wanted to just take a minute to remember all the many things that I am thankful for this year. In the midst of tragedy, it can be hard to find things to be thankful for but I will try. This blog post may come off as really depressing but it's not meant to sound that way, I promise. I know that this past week has emotionally been one of the most difficult ones I have ever experienced and so to tell the truth, I wasn't really sure how ready I was for Thanksgiving as I have been feeling really homesick lately in the aftermath of my attack. One thing that has been made apparent to me is just how alone I feel here. I know that may sound crazy considering I live with 5 other people in one of the largest cities in the USA. Yet, it's true. I haven't been here long enough to build up the kind of support networks that I have back home so in the last few days, I have just felt a deep sense of loneliness which is a feeling that I have never really experienced before. Even when I lived by myself, I never felt alone or that I didn't have anybody to lean on for support. Now, in the midst of so many people, all I feel is a crushing sense of loneliness and occasionally despair.

Yet, I am so thankful to have the friends that I do in my life. I have received so many messages of support and love over the last week and those have been really helpful. Talking about the incident has actually proven to be really helpful and cathartic for me. I'm starting to feel better and have already started replacing my lost stuff. Thanks to the generosity of the people I work for, I already have a new Ipod touch which I like a lot!! My new phone is on the way and I am working on getting new cards and everything sent to me. So, I will eventually be able to replace the things that were lost. I'm also thankful that I didn't end up in a coma or worse. I know how lucky I am to have had no major, life threatening injuries and so for that I am glad.

I'm also thankful for families that are willing to adopt me for the holidays and make sure I get a traditional Thanksgiving feast with plenty of food, laughter and fellowship.

I'm so thankful that I have housemates who are just as ridiculous as I am and see nothing wrong with turning our downstairs living room into a blanket fort or spending all day today playing Wii games and eating pizza. It's good to know that some people out there get my brand of insanity.

I'm still so thankful that I did the YAV program and know that I made the right decision even if I sometimes question it. I struggle with a lot of self-doubt over whether or not I am cut out for this type of living. Living in community and living a simple lifestyle are the hardest things I have ever done as they take me out of my comfort zone and so I am sometimes left questioning if I am failing at this YAV thing. If they gave out grades for being a YAV, I sometimes wonder if I would pass. I'm not the greatest people person and not a huge extrovert and I am also a Type A personality and those qualities don't always mix well with the YAV program. Somedays are a real struggle for me and I sometimes wonder if I should just quit now and head home and give up trying to make a difference in the world or change my self or find myself or whatever else I signed up to do this for. Yet, I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing good in the world and making a difference and I need to stop being so hard on myself and expecting so much from everything and everybody. That way only leads to pain and misery and I am tired of living that life. I'm happier than I have ever been even if I don't always remember that!!

I'm thankful for the struggles because they remind me of how hard life can be. Life is a struggle and can be difficult and not easy and not fun and sometimes it just plain sucks. Yet, there's always something beautiful to be found in the midst of the tough times. Even when I am at my lowest point, I remember that God still loves me. That has never and will never change and perhaps it would do good for me to remember that more than I do. It's easy for me to be angry with God after what has happened and it's tempting but that won't do me any good. It won't help the healing process any and will actually make things more difficult for me. It's in times of distress that we can best remember who we belong to and who loves us. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

I'm finally thankful for the gift of discernment. I finally feel like I have some sense of life direction and vocational discernment. I've been spending some time talking to God about it and have discovered a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I'm going to begin the application process over Christmas Break and have already started to narrow down schools. Will keep you posted on here as to how the process is going but I am really am so glad to no longer be feeling like I am just drifting through my life. I hope this aspect of it continues and that I can actually get accepted and go to the school of my choice. If I hadn't done YAV, I might still be drifting around lost and with no sense of direction so in that sense I know I made the right decision even if it is hard to believe it sometimes.

Like I said, I have a lot to be thankful for and I felt it only appropriate to share it on this particular holiday weekend. I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving full of food, laughter, family and fellowship. May you continue to have safe travels and happy journeys over the course of this holiday season. I love this time of year and am looking forward to experiencing someplace cold finally!!

"It Gets Better" . . . doesn't it??

This is a blog post that I was hoping to never have to write but unfortunately, here I sit writing it. It deals with something that happened to me yesterday that was very scary and traumatic. Writing this blog, for me, is a way of getting some catharsis and sorting through my issues with what happened. First, let me preface by saying that I am physically ok. A little banged up and sore but no permanent damage.

I was mugged yesterday. It was quite scary and traumatic. Three kids tackled me from behind, held me down, put their hands over my mouth so I couldn't scream and then proceeded to dig through my pockets and steal my wallet, cell phone and iPod. They also slapped me on the face a couple times and knocked my glasses and my shoes off. Did I mention this was in broad daylight with witnesses around?? Literally, my first thought was that I was going to be raped. That's how scary it was for me. I was so afraid for my life and am so thankful that they did not have any weapons or anything as the results could have been much worse. I know how lucky I am to be alive and for that I'm grateful.

I have now experienced one of the worst things that a person can experience and I don't know how to deal with it. How does one even begin to process such a violent episode like that?? I'm still really shaken up by the incident and had a hard time falling asleep last night because I kept replaying the attack all night in my head. Normally, on Friday afternoons, I'm the only one home but this particular Friday, my roommate Mara just happened to have the day off work and let me use her cellphone to make all the necessary phone calls and such. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been home. How would I have called the police or called to cancel my credit and debit cards?? I also keep wondering what would have happened to me if it had happened at night?? Would I have ended up dead or severely beaten or raped or whatever else??

I know some of you reading this are full of the idea that the big cities are dangerous, bad places and so this post will only confirm that for you and I am not gonna lie that there is a part of me that just wants to hop on the next plane home to Texas and never come back and go back to my old life which was safe but boring. However, I know that that is not the appropriate response to this. It won't do me any good to run away from these issues. This could have happened anywhere and does happen anywhere. There really is no such thing as safe anymore. I would have never thought that something like that would have happened in broad daylight on a busy street in the middle of the day two blocks from my house. I've always felt safe everywhere I've gone but this attack has taken me out of that mode. I've now come to realize that the world is a big, scary, dangerous place and sometimes bad things happen when you least expect it. Who would have ever thought that it would be safer to walk down the streets of NYC by yourself at night than it would be to walk home from the grocery store in your Chicago neighborhood in broad daylight??

One of the many issues that I was working on with my therapist before I moved was the issue of always wanting to blame myself for things. Whenever something bad has happened to me, I have always tended to tell myself that I deserved it or that I had earned it. Unfortunately, I have found myself doing that again with my attack. If I hadn't gone to that particular grocery store or if I hadn't gone by myself or if I had just stayed home and gone to the store the next day, this never would have happened. I know I shouldn't blame myself for it but how can I not?? It's hard not to blame myself and I suspect that many people have the same problem. I'm almost afraid to leave the house now for fear something else will happen to me, not that there is anything else for people to steal. However, I can't continue to blame myself and I can't let my fear paralyze me. I have to move on and accept the fact that it happened and that I will probably never get my stuff back and live with the aftermath of that.

Please don't be worried about me. Or do but know that I'm relatively ok. I've experienced a traumatic event and so it may be a while until I am fully recovered but I will eventually be whole again. I'm trying not to be angry with myself or with God but I could sure use any words of encouragement and support that people could provide. I will tell you one thing, I am definitely missing my support net back in Texas right now. The physical scars will fade but the emotional scars will be there for some time. However, I know that I will be ok. After all, as we've heard over and over again in the last month, it gets better!! At least, I sure hope it does!!

Georgia on my Mind

"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."

So, I wanted to use this post to let you know all about my weekend in Atlanta, Georgia. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I flew down there to look at Columbia Theological Seminary. I was hoping that by actually setting foot on the campus, I would get a better idea of where I am going and what I am doing with my life. I hoped that the weekend would help me find some clarity and give me an idea if indeed seminary is where I should go.

I arrived Friday afternoon and was promptly picked up at the airport by one of their current students. We spent the entire ride there talking about the school and why she decided to go there and what made her feel called to seminary. It was a good conversation and I appreciated the fact that she was honest with me. We got to the campus and I promptly got checked in and had some time to walk around campus and enjoy the sights. The campus is absolutely gorgeous and fall was there in full bloom which was great for this Texas boy to see.

Since I had some free time that afternoon, I had made arrangements to spend some time with one of my good friends from college who lives in Atlanta now. She picked me up on campus and took me out for frozen yogurt (which I always love) and we walked around downtown Decatur. The town is breathtaking and feels very homey and has that small-town feel that I have always found appealing. It kinda reminded me of my hometown in a way or at least the parts of my hometown that I like. After yogurt and a walking tour, she then took me to this great bar for a beer and more conversation. It was just really great to get to catch up with her and talk for a while about our lives and what has been going on in them. I always like having those kind of conversations with people so it was nice to just have a chance to chat over a beer and get caught up. I had to be back at the campus by 6 so she dropped me off and I then went to the dinner that had been arranged for all the prospective students that weekend. I personally wasn't a huge fan of it. It just felt really formal and stiff and I felt very awkward and out of place and underdressed and just really wasn't too happy about it. Fortunately, that didn't last that long and we were then divided into small groups to go have dessert at faculty houses. This I liked more as it was much more informal and less people to talk to. We met with current students and professors and had a nice Q & A session about the school and why it could be a great fit for us. Very low-pressure and intimate which is how I like things. That was it for the day so I promptly went back to my room and went to bed.

Saturday was a very full and busy day as it was filled with sessions and a tour of campus housing and a panel discussion and an interview with admissions and lots of other stuff. My interview went really well and I was able to talk about why I was considering seminary and also get some of my questions answered in regards to the school. The interview was very informal and I really felt comfortable talking with her about my story and everything. There was a panel discussion after chapel about the different forms of ministry and what each had to offer us. The housing at Columbia is great and I was really impressed by what they had to offer to their students. Definitely a lot to offer in that respect even if cell phone reception is spotty in some of the halls. The session in financial aid was the one I was most nervous about attending but it actually went better than I thought it would. Turns out Columbia is way cheaper than my undergrad was!! That was a relief although I am definitely going to have to get some great financial aid offers if I am going to be going anywhere for school. Guess who has to fill out the FAFSA this next year??!! Anyway, after all our sessions were over the school hosted a big, Italian dinner for us and all the current seminary students. The food was great and there was a live jazz band that played all during dinner. Great music, great food, great company and ice cream for dessert!! What more could one ask for??!! Well, after that, I had agreed to go have some drinks with my friend that goes to Columbia. We ended up going to the same bar that everyone else was going to and it really was a great way to end the day. Everybody just hanging out and playing shuffleboard or darts or just simply talking over a glass of beer. What an experience and really made me feel a lot more comfortable about the whole weekend.

Sunday morning, I went with my friend to church and then had pizza afterwards and then it was time for me to head to the airport to fly back to Chicago.

I had a really positive experience this past weekend and more importantly, I think I found some purpose in my life. The whole weekend, I really felt the presence of God leading me to seminary. I could feel myself going there and I could articulate reasons why I think it is the right move for me. Now, I really feel like being a seminary student is the right next move for me. I'm not certain that I will be going for an MDiv and I am not entirely convinced that Columbia is the right fit for me but I now definitely feel that my next move should be applying for seminaries. The more I think about it, the more I realize how perfect a fit it is for me. I think I've known for years that it was the right move for me but have always been resistant until now. Not sure what type of ministry I want to work in yet but it's still early. I would love to do youth or campus ministry or Christian Education or even start a music/drama ministry somewhere. I think that I bring a lot of skills and a lot of experience to the table that will help me in this endeavor. I surely do hope that God is leading me down the right path and that he will help me achieve this goal. He knows my reservations and so I hope that he will help me get past those. I feel a sense of peace with my decision and no longer feel like I am just drifting through life anymore. I had a long talk with God about this decision and I sincerely believe that me going to seminary is truly the path that he wants me to walk down.

All I have to do now is begin filling out applications and just hope and pray that everything works out in my favor. I do sincerely hope that all of you reading this will support me in this endeavor. I know that not everybody who reads this is a religious person and some of you may be even anti-religion and that is all well and good but I do still hope that you will accept and support my decision. I think I am finally walking down the path that God wants me to walk and that is such a good feeling to finally have that sense of clarity. I think things are finally starting to come together for me and my life. Proof that becoming a YAV was truly the best decision I ever made. Thanks, everyone, for continuing to read this and comment on it. You guys are the reason that I am able to do this and without your support, I would be nowhere and would probably still be drifting aimlessly. I will make sure to keep you guys updated on this whole process. I still have some other schools I want to visit before I make my final decision so I have some time. Thanks for reading this really long and in some cases incoherent post!! Remember, God loves you (and so do I).

Life after YAV or Decisions, Decisions??!!

Hello, everybody and sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been super busy. I'm not the best at keeping up with blogs. I always say I will and then I don't. Anyway, on to other things. I have mentioned before that I have been doing some vocational discernment during my time here. That's how I came to the conclusion that professional acting was no longer meant to be for me. Now that I have abandoned that life goal, I'm a little confused as to what comes next. So, I decided to do what any good blogger does and share with you where my thoughts and feelings are going today. I'm not necessarily looking for advice (although I know some of you will be offering it anyway). I'm just merely sharing the different avenues and career/life options that have been in my head over the last few years and most especially now that I am here. Please note that I am also not presenting these options in the order that they are the most appealing to me.

Option 1) Go to Seminary - Whether it be to get an MDiv or a Masters in Christian Education or some combination thereof, this is the option that has been weighing on my heart a lot over the past few years. It's also the one that I struggle with the most because I just don't know if it is the right fit for me. I'm actually leaving in the morning for Atlanta, Georgia to go look at Columbia Seminary and I am hoping that over the course of the weekend, I can get some clarity on if this is the path that God is leading me down. I've developed or acquired a lot of gifts that could be used perfectly in the ministry including my music and drama skills as both of those go hand-in-hand with the ministry. I also love talking about and debating about religion and theology. I just think it is the most fascinating subject and I think that is why seminary holds so much appeal to me. My reservations are that it won't be the right fit for me and my gifts and that I wouldn't have Sundays off. I'm definitely not 100% sold on this option but as of right now, it definitely sounds the most appealing.

Option 2) Masters in Social Work/Become a Social Worker -This could potentially be combined with Seminary as many offer a dual degree program. I just love helping people and feel that social work would be an excellent fit for me as I love the work they do and think it is an absolutely vital service that needs to be offered. I wouldn't get rich doing it but then, who needs money anyway??!!

Option 3) Go Work for a Non-Profit/Social Service Agency - Admittedly, this could also be combined with one of the first two options. I can't see myself ever again working for a big corporation (been there, done that) so these kinds of agencies really appeal to me. The work they do is so important and I think I could bring a lot to their various agencies. I was really hoping to work for a non-profit during my YAV year so I could test it out and figure out if that was the right option for me which is what makes this one less appealing as I have absolutely no idea if I would like it, having never done it.

Option 4) Writing/Editing/Publishing/Journalism - Again, this could potentially be combined with any of the other three. I get complimented all the time on how good my writing is and I must admit that I do love to write. It's been a secret dream of mine to someday be a paid film critic but that is a career that is dying out quickly so I am not sure that I will achieve that one. Still, it does seem like a good career choice for me. The pay is absolutely terrible and the hours can often be miserable but it would be doing something I love which is the most important thing.

Option 5) Do a second YAV year - I really like the YAV program and could easily see myself doing a second year. There are so many other sites that I would love to participate in (although right now my heart really is in Tucson). Plus, it means I could delay this whole decision-making process for another year. That's always an appealing reason to do something, right??!!

Option 6) Counseling/Therapy - Again, this could easily be combined with another option. I'm a great listener and I love helping people work out their problems. This field practically requires that as part of the job description. Plus, a lot of therapists get to set their own schedule and how many clients they see so I could easily make my own schedule which is really appealing and I could even do this part-time while doing one of the other options full or part-time. As many issues as I have dealt with in my past, I am someone who knows how to get through those hard times so I think that my credibility and experience would make this a really good fit for me.

Option 7) Master's in Public Affairs or Public Administration - There is so much that I could do with one of these two degrees to help better the world. I could become a government official and work to change the policies that directly affect the afflicted people. I could be a school official and help improve education for our children. I could work in a corporation or small business and work to improve things that way. There are literally dozens of options with one of these two degrees.

Ok, I think that about covers everything that I am considering right now. Like I said, a lot of these options could be combined with something else so I can potentially do more than one. I know that they say you should "do what you love" and all those other cliches but what do you do when you love so many different things?? I could easily see myself loving and completely thriving at any of these seven options so what do I do?? Like I said, I am not looking for any advice but I know some of you will want to throw your hat into the ring, so to speak, so please do feel free to comment on here, facebook me, email me, text me, call me, send up smoke signals or whatever else you would like and give me your thoughts on the matter. I know it may still be early in the YAV year to start thinking about what will I do afterwards but many graduate schools require applications to be in fairly soon and I need time to do some research on them so I need to seriously start figuring this out. The biggest hurdles to graduate school for me are the cost (so I'd better get some serious financial aid if I do choose this route) and the fact that I am scared about getting in. I didn't exactly have the most stellar GPA in undergrad so I am going to have to have some really good recommendation letters and personal statements or else it is not happening. Three years ago, I decided that my five year plan included going to grad school so that means that I should be prepared to start it next fall, right?? Although I can always revise my five year plan if needed. I do really want to go back to school as I just miss that whole experience of academia and being a student again and having summers and Christmas off!!

Whatever option I choose, my biggest fear is that I will be a failure at it. I would hate to choose grad school and then drop out after a year or two or choose one of the career paths and then not be good at it and quit. Fear of failure is what holds me back from doing so many things I have wanted to do over the years. It's also the reason I almost didn't do YAV. Yet, I can't let my fear paralyze me from getting my life together and moving forward. I have to choose something