Everything's Changed

Hello everybody,

The past three weeks have practically flown by and it seems almost unreal that I now have less than a week left here before I leave for California. Being home has actually been really great. It's been so much fun to see some of my friends again and hang out with my family again. My days and nights have been quite packed as I have been busy with lunch dates, dinner dates, movie dates etc. It's weird to realize that I hadn't seen any of these people in a year. It's almost hard to believe that its been that long. Strange how you can go from seeing the same people almost every day to not seeing them at all.

Adjusting to being back home has been a process to say the least. I've been slowly getting used to the idea that here they have Wal-Marts and Sonics and I have to drive everywhere. Granted, I am not at all trying to say that the kind of culture shock I've been experiencing is anything compared to the culture shock that certain other YAVs are experiencing. I can only imagine what some of the ones that were in more rural parts of the world are going through. Still though, there is a bit of an adjustment to being back in my homeland that has taken its toll.

A major project that I have taken on while I have been back has been downsizing my life. I'm basically getting rid of the vast majority of my stuff. I've sorted through my clothes and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. I've thrown out my magazines (some of which I've had since I was a small child so getting rid of them was a bit like saying goodbye to my childhood). I've been sorting through my books and deciding which ones I want to sell to the local used bookstore and which ones I want to take with me to school. It recently hit me that when I move this time, it's going to be a more permanent move. I won't be coming back much at all and Texas will simply become a place that I spend a couple weeks a year in while I am on vacation visiting family. However, for the next 3 (or 4) years at least, California will become my new home base. That's what has made the downsizing necessary but also hard. It's hard to again say goodbye to all the people and places that I have loved for so long. The idea that I will be moving halfway across the country and this time won't be back after a year is really hard to accept and grasp. Yes, I am definitely looking forward to this new journey and this new adventure. I am so ready to start school. However, that doesn't mean that I can't also recognize that I am leaving behind so much. I know previous posts of mine have sounded pretty harsh about Texas and so some of you might be surprised to hear me expressing these thoughts and feelings. I think it shocks even me. However, I think being home during this brief period of time has just clarified to me what I missed about it but also why it is necessary for me to leave. I will always look back fondly on my home state (no matter how much bad press we might get, much of it deserved). However, I have also come to realize that it's time to move on and start a new life elsewhere. I literally have nothing more to gain from being here.

Pretty soon, I will be on a plane to California and a new adventure will begin. I will continue to blog during my time in seminary as I know so many of my loyal readers want to continue to hear how I'm doing. Keep an eye on this page over the next few weeks as it will be undergoing some changes. All will be revealed soon. Thanks for following me and my adventures all throughout this past year. I do hope that you will continue to follow me during the next part of my journey. It's sure to be an exciting and grand adventure. I know I am interested to see what God does to me over the next three years of my life. I hope you are too!!

The Yellow Rose of Texas

Well, friends, in case you haven't heard, I made it safely back to Texas. I got in very late Monday night and pretty much all I've done is do laundry and sleep. It's been weird being back actually. Almost doesn't feel real. Can't believe it's already been a year. Seems like just yesterday I was about to board the plane for orientation and now here I am back already. How did a year go by so fast?

To be honest, I've been feeling really overwhelmed and slightly disoriented. I am definitely experiencing sensory overload which I didn't even think was a real thing but apparently it is. I had church last night and while it was good to see everybody again and to be in that building that I love so much again, it was also very overwhelming and awkward for me. I haven't really had enough time to process everything yet so I am glad that people so far have been respectful and haven't bombarded me with questions and such. I don't think I could handle that right now so I am thankful that I haven't had to be put in the awkward position of having to answer lots of questions right now. I need my time to process everything. It might take me a few days before I am ready to talk about my experiences and everything that happened to me over the last year. I promise you that that will happen but please just give me some time. I'm honestly just feeling so overwhelmed right now. A lot has changed back home in the year I've been gone and so I am having to process all that as well. I guess you could say I'm experiencing what they call culture shock. Being back has been much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. Yes, I am very happy to be back (which might surprise some of my loyal readers) but it just feels weird probably this marks the longest time I have spent away from home ever. A year is a long time to be gone. Lots of changes happen in that time. People die, children grow, babies are born, new businesses open, others close, and people change.

At any rate, I am back in Texas until August 26th. If you are in the area and want/need to see me, let me know. My schedule is getting booked quickly, though, so you better let me know ASAP or else it may be hard for me to fit you in my schedule. Keep in mind that I am very broke right now(as in, I have zero dollars in my bank account) so if you want me to go out to eat with you or whatever, you may have to pay for me. I know that could create a very awkward situation, potentially, which is why I am putting it out there now so everything is clear. I'm starting school in the fall without a penny to my name so just be conscious of that when you ask me to join you somewhere. I really do want to see as many people as I possibly can while I'm here so please do let me know if you genuinely want to see me. I haven't seen anybody here in almost a year and some of you, maybe even longer than that so please give me an excuse to get out of the house for a few hours.

The next three weeks consist of pretty much nothing. I've got a pretty clear schedule other than "back-to-school" shopping and all that entails. I'm just enjoying the freedom of having nothing to do for a few weeks. I did consider getting a temp job while I'm here to make some extra money but the more I think about it, the less appealing it sounds. This is the longest (and possibly only time) I will be spending at home this entire year so I really don't want to be spending part of it working. I might change my mind on that but for right now, I am just going to enjoy the freedom and the peace. I'm not going to let myself get stressed out or worried about money or how I am going to pay for school or the fact that I need to somehow come up with almost $7,000 in the next few weeks in order to have fall semester paid for. I'm simply putting it in God's hands and trusting that he will provide. He knows my needs and he will make it all work out in His (and my) favor. I'm really trusting God on this one so here's hoping he doesn't let me down.

Right now, things feel really weird for me. I have my own bedroom again in a house with air conditioning and there aren't five other people in the house all the time. It's weird how hard it is proving to be to readjust myself to the old life that I had before moving. Guess that just proves how much this past year really did change me. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really missing Chicago and my fellow Faith House people and my co-workers at the church and the people I met and the many, many friends I made there. I'm trying my best not to dwell on what I left behind and instead live in the present and appreciate my time here among family and friends and all those who have supported me over the last year and also looking forward to the future and what I have coming up, namely California. It's gonna be a great experience, I know it is but that doesn't mean I can't still "mourn" for what I left behind. I will always carry a part of Chicago with me.

This brings me to my last point. This is not my last blog post. I will still continue to blog during the duration of my time in the Lone Star State. However, I do have some big plans for this blog so you may see some changes to it over the next few weeks. Keep following me and I will keep you updated on that. Trust me, you are gonna want to keep reading this blog even though my time as a YAV is officially over. It will be worth your time, I promise you.

For Good

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better but because I knew you, I have been changed for good." -Wicked

Well folks, my time in Chicago is rapidly coming to a close. In just a few short days, I will be on a plane back to the Lone Star State and my time as a YAV will be officially concluded. It's hard to believe that a year went by so quickly. Seems like just yesterday, I boarded the plane for orientation in New York and now I am about to board a plane back to Texas. It's been a year full of challenges, growth, struggle, disappointment, tears, laughter, rejection, acceptance, love, hate, doubt, faith, despair, hope and lots of hours of watching Buffy and Arrested Development. I think what's been most shocking for me to witness is just how much personal growth I've done this past year. I came in as a rather reserved, shy individual with a host of self-esteem and self-loathing and body image issues that I had only recently started to deal with and accept. I had never successfully lived with people my own age and had never actually cooked for anybody, including myself. While I know that I will still struggle with issues of self-loathing and body image probably my whole life, I think this year has more than anything else, put me on the path toward a better, fuller acceptance of myself and my abilities. I can now look in the mirror and say "I like myself" and actually know that I mean it. My imperfections make me who I am and who I am is pretty darn great. I'm eating better now that I have learned how to cook and can even make a wide variety of dishes, both vegetarian and non-vegetarian. I've even dabbled in baking and that has proven to be a success as well. I always told myself that cooking just wasn't something I ever saw myself doing. I had a lot of self-doubt and resigned myself to just living off TV dinners and fast food the rest of my life. If I hadn't done this YAV year, that may have indeed been the case.

I've also finally discovered some clarity and some direction in life. In case you weren't aware, I'd basically been drifting along in life working a variety of dead-end jobs that didn't pay well and living at home and not really doing anything good or productive with myself. I was content to just drift aimlessly through life. Now, however, my life has a sense of purpose and direction. I have a clearer idea of what it is that I was put on this planet for. I have a better sense of where God is calling me to go and what he is calling me to do. I've even begun to see how the seeds for my new life direction were planted so many years ago and are just now starting to bear fruit. I've realized all the myriad ways that the gifts and talents I have developed can be used in my new life plans. I guess that just goes to show that God sure does have a funny sense of humor, doesn't it??! Now, I can honestly say that where I am going in life is exactly where I should be. I once had a good friend of mine ask me, "Is where you're going where you want to be?" I never really had a good answer for that until now. Yes, now I can say that where I am going is where I want to be.

This has also been a year with a lot of struggles. That's to be expected, though, I think. I think if you were to ask any YAV about how their year went, they would be hard pressed to not mention something about struggles. Whether it be being separated from family and loved ones during the holidays or dealing with bad days at work or being attacked or coming to terms with themselves or facing rejection after rejection, every single one of us has a story to share about the struggles that we have had to face as YAVs. Anybody who tells you this is easy is either a liar or incredibly naive. There's nothing easy about doing this program. There's nothing easy about being away from family during the holidays or watching a friend you've known for a long time die suddenly or hearing about a death of someone close to you back home and not being able to be home for it and having to grieve from afar or being rejected and thinking that it means God doesn't love you. However, what helps is having a community there to support you. Whether it be the people in your own house or people back home or even other YAVs from far away, it's good to have that support network to turn to in times of struggle and grief. Yes, I've had to deal with my fair share of trouble this past year but what has been a blessing is seeing how much love and support I have received from my Chicago community to help get me through it. This year has really shown me how much we rely on others to get us through those hard times. No, it hasn't been easy but its been made easier by knowing that I always had somebody up here to turn to when I needed help.

It's gonna be really hard to say goodbye to this place and these people in just a few days. I've been slowly saying my goodbyes already and it has been an emotional process. I never thought I could get so attached to so many people in such a short period of time. When I reflect back on the past year and the people I have met, I have nothing but smiles. I honestly cannot imagine my life without these people now. My life has been so enriched by meeting them and now I have to leave them behind. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end as they say and I guess that is certainly proving to be true.

I think my final thoughts are just to reflect briefly on the past year and how much I have been shaped by my experiences here. I'm going back to Texas as a completely different person than I was when I left. I only hope that I can keep it up and maintain the growth while I am there and then continue to grow once I leave again to head for California. This has been such a transformative and instructive year for me. While I may not have been changed for the better, I know for sure that I have been changed for good!!

Pride (In the Name of Love)

This past weekend was Gay Pride weekend here in Chicago so I thought I would take a second to share my thoughts and reflections on the weekend and what it meant to me. Working as I do with so many gay youth and at a very gay friendly church, Pride weekend was a big deal in my book and one that I was determined to experience. What I experienced over the course of the weekend was a powerful and life-changing expression of God's love and support.

Here's the thing: I come from a part of the country where being gay is not very accepted or supported by many people. Where I come from, you are liable to be teased, picked on, told you are worthless, disgusting and sinful and that you will burn in Hell for your "choice". That was why when I found out I would have the opportunity to march in the parade with my church, I jumped at it. I knew this would be a way that I could potentially show God's love and maybe even heal some long-festering wounds for many people. It's no wonder, really, that so many gays turn away from God and the church. You would too if you were constantly told that your lifestyle was wrong and sinful and deviant. The church (and here I am referring to the whole church, not individual churches) has not been the most welcoming and accepting toward their GLBTQI brothers and sisters. So, small wonder that many gays feel that the church has nothing to say to them and only wants them to repent of their ways.

Marching in the Parade representing a church was my way of coming to terms with that aspect of the church's history. It has long been the one that has been the most troubling to me. It was important to me that I convey to my LGBT brothers and sisters that there are churches out there that love them and accept them for who they are. I think sometimes that message can get lost in the shuffle as so many of the most vocal churches out there are the ones that proclaim their messages of hatred. There was quite a large contingent of churches that marched in the parade, actually. It was ultimately very heartwarming to see how many churches were willing to be identified as gay friendly and welcoming.

Ultimately, however, the thing about the Parade that really got to me the most was seeing the huge crowd of people that were there to watch it. Many of these people did not know a single person in the parade. So, to see so many people cheering and high-fiving and showing their love and support for complete strangers was quite moving. The fact that they were there to cheer and celebrate a lifestyle that is denigrated by so many was really powerful to see first-hand. All these thousands (and yes, I do mean thousands) of people were there to show their support and love for their gay brothers and sisters and friends and strangers. Some of them even brought their friends, relatives, kids, grandkids with them to the parade and that made me happy. Especially to see so many children along the parade route. That will hopefully be one less child that will grow up thinking being gay is wrong or sinful. That's ultimately how it should be. Teach your children at an early age to be welcome and accepting and they will stay that way their whole lives. Hatred and bigotry are taught, not innate.

Anyway, after the parade was over, the contingent from LakeView walked back to the church and were greeted by parishioners who had stayed to watch the parade from the church lawn. What happened also was that we ended up having several people come up to us and thank us for participating in the parade. There was a lot of healing that was hopefully accomplished with the parade. People saw that there is such a thing as churches that believe that God's love extends to everyone, gay or straight. For many, that is an eye-opening revelation. The idea that there could possibly exist a church that believes that gays are beautiful just the way they are is perhaps a foreign notion to many. That's why it was so important to me to participate and march in the Gay Pride parade. Those wounds have been allowed to fester for too long.

The last point I want to bring up for discussion is the issue that some people (even ones who support gay rights) have with Pride Parades. I have heard people make the argument that Gay Pride Parades are just an excuse for gay people to flaunt their sexuality in front of everybody. Isn't who you sleep with supposed to be a private matter and not something that needs to be flaunted in front of everybody? Why does everybody need to know about it? To be honest, until this past weekend, I never really had a valid answer to those questions. Now, however, I do. The reason why Gay Pride Parades need to exist is for kids like Tyler Clementi and Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. Recognize those names? They are just three of the many youth who have killed themselves over the last year or so because of bullying. These three (and many more just like them) were teased, picked on, beaten up and generally disrespected because of their sexuality. They were told that they should be ashamed of themselves for feeling that way and that their sexuality somehow made them less human and less worthy of love. What Gay Pride Parades do is send a message to those scared, brutalized youth that they should be proud of who they are, not ashamed. They should love themselves for who they were created to be and live that life and be proud to live that life. When everyone around them is telling them to be ashamed of their feelings, Gay Pride tells them to instead embrace their feelings and accept and love themselves. Yes, who you share your life with is a private matter but being gay is not about who you sleep with. It's about embracing and loving yourself just the way you are and not being afraid to be that person. It's about accepting yourself as a gay person and taking pride in that fact. If the Gay Pride Parade saves even one life or prevents one teen from hanging himself or shooting himself or mutilating himself, it is worth it. Perhaps if there were Gay Pride parades in the cities where those teens who have killed themselves lived, they might not have done it. That's the real reason why Gay Pride parades exist. To show other gay, scared teenagers that they have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. That being gay is something that should be embraced, rather than shunned. That there are people who will love and accept them for who they are even when their own family and friends won't. There is no shame in being gay and it doesn't mean that something is wrong with them or that they need to be "fixed" in some way. Gay Pride is about all that and more. I only hope that those kids who most need to hear that message actually do. Sadly, I fear many of them don't.

Born This Way!!

Note: The following blog post reflects the opinions of me and does not represent the Presbyterian Church, the YAV program, or any other organization affiliated with those groups. Just wanted to make that clear before we get started.

A few weeks ago, the Presbyterian Church (USA) ratified an amendment to their constitution officially allowing openly gay, lesbian, bisexual & transgendered persons to be ordained as Elders, Deacons & Ministers of the Word & Sacrament. This is a huge shift for the Church and one that has been full of controversy. Many churches have already threatened to leave the denomination in light of the ratification and there could be a huge split over the issue.

With this move, the Presbyterian Church has become only the fourth mainline Protestant denomination to allow the ordination of GLBT folk (the other three, for the record, are the Episcopalians, the Lutherans and the United Church of Christ). By opening up ordination to all, the Presbyterian Church has taken a step in the right direction toward fully embracing the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the openness and acceptance that he preached.

Here's the thing (and a rather controversial point, I might add), God made people the way they are. Nobody chooses to be gay or lesbian or bisexual. Indeed, I think if you were to ask some of them, they would say that they would rather be straight. It's a much easier and more accepted lifestyle. However, just as nobody chooses to be straight, so also does nobody choose to be gay. That's just not how it works. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and He alone decides who we are and who we are attracted to. I know many people argue that God hates gay people and would therefore never make somebody that way but that just begs the question: when did they choose to be straight or white or Asian? Here's what I have come to learn and believe over the years. The simple truth is is that God is love. God is not capable of hating anybody and indeed loves us for who we are even when we don't love ourselves. God meant for diversity to be a good thing and we should embrace that diversity rather than trying to suppress it or change it in some way. Only when we begin to accept people for who they are and who God made them to be can we ever truly begin to fully enter God's kingdom.

As to the subject of ordination, here's my two cents on the matter. "God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called" therefore who are we to deny ordination to those who God has chosen to lead His church? We aren't God and therefore shouldn't act like we know who God would call. Only God is allowed to make that decision and if he has determined that a person is worthy of accepting the call, then the church should embrace that decision instead of denying them because of some arbitrary standards that we have determined make a person fit enough to do God's work. When God decides that someone is good enough, that should be enough. To do anything less than embrace that decision is unjust and unacceptable in God's kingdom.

Jesus Christ preached love and acceptance of all people, regardless of their personal deficiencies. He routinely ate with lepers, prostitutes, tax collectors and other unsavory characters. He was roundly despised by those in power because he chose to associate himself with the "dregs" of society. I think the church could learn a lot from Jesus and his ministry. Are we choosing to open our doors to everyone or are we instead saying that only certain people are worthy of our love and attention? Are we denying people the love of God and the fellowship of our company because of some arbitrary standards that are made by man, not God? Are we choosing to deny certain people the ordination process because of how God made them instead saying that they chose that lifestyle and can therefore choose to turn it off? If people are choosing to leave the Church because the Church is doing the right thing and following Jesus's teachings, then in my personal opinion that's fine. I would rather people leave the church because it is doing the right thing than leave because it continues to do the wrong thing and lets injustice prevail.

You may disagree with me on some of these points that I've made here and that's fine. However, nothing is going to stop me from proclaiming what I have come to believe. Embrace who God made you to be and don't try and suppress it. Claim it as your own and make your life better because of it. If God is calling you to the ministry, do it. Churches, please open up your ministry to everyone that God has called to it. Don't let others tell you that God doesn't love you or that God hates you. That's not the truth. God loves all His children, no exceptions. You were born this way and don't ever let anyone try and convince you otherwise. Remember, straight people didn't choose to be straight. Finally, keep your head up and remember that no matter what, God loves you and wants nothing but happiness for you whatever that might entail whether it be marriage, kids, ordination or whatever else. Embrace that life and live it to its fullest!! Remember, "I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way!!"

California Dreamin'

Well, folks. I made a major life decision yesterday. One that I feel confident was the right decision for me. Let me backtrack a bit here for those of you who haven't been keeping up with my adventures. In my last blog post (way back in early April), I wrote about how I was feeling very angry and upset with God for not getting me into Seminary. I thought that I was finally following God's path for my life and was being denied like I wasn't good enough to follow his path. It felt like such a personal rejection and my self-esteem hit a real low.

Funny thing happened on the way to the bottom, though. I picked myself up, cried all my tears, and resolved that I wasn't going to let this setback keep me down. I discovered that San Francisco Theological Seminary had a much later deadline than all the other schools and so I applied on a whim not really knowing anything about the school except that it was in California, a state that I have a long history with. I decided that the third time would either be the charm or the clear sign that I needed that seminary wasn't the right thing for me at this time. I told myself that no matter what, I wasn't going to allow myself to get beat up over the outcome.

To my shock, I actually somehow got into the school. I was completely floored and ecstatic but also very grateful to God for providing this opportunity for me. However, I knew that that wasn't the end of the story. I knew that in order for it to work out, I had to get a sense of the school and whether it was the right place for me. So, this week, I flew out there to visit the campus and see if I could genuinely see myself there. I knew that I needed to get a feel for the school and see if there was a place for me before I could officially commit to going. Literally, less than five minutes after setting foot on the campus, I knew that this was where God wanted me to be. The campus is absolutely gorgeous and is located in the small town of San Anselmo which is 30 minutes from Oakland, Berkeley and San Francisco so prime location. It is a fairly small student population but I really got the sense that the students and professors all know each other and there seems to be a really strong sense of community there. The students that I met all seemed really enthusiastic about meeting me and genuinely seemed interested in my discernment process. The faculty and staff as well expressed genuine enthusiasm and excitement upon meeting me and it felt good to be wanted. I really felt special during my visit as I was treated like a very important person and had all of my questions answered in a very gracious and kindly manner. The theology class I sat in on was absolutely fascinating and the discussion had me riveted.

There are so many reasons why I feel God calling me to school there. There's a reason why I didn't get into the other schools. San Francisco Theological Seminary is where I am supposed to be and where I am supposed to deepen my theological education. As to that major life decision, well if you haven't guessed it by now it is this: I officially committed to attend there starting this fall. Yeah, that might be anti-climactic but that's it. I've made peace with the decision and am trusting that I have made the right decision. I have a lot of family in the area so it will be nice to get to see them more. That's one thing that has been hard about being up here in Chicago is the fact that I have no friends or family up here so can sometimes feel pretty lonely. Granted, I have made friends since I have been up here but it still would be nice to on occasion visit with somebody who's known me longer than a few months. It's a different kind of relationship in that case. Now, by moving to California, I get to have that kind of relationship again. My aunt and uncle are two hours away which is close enough that I can go see them occasionally but still far enough away that I feel like I can have my own space. The school offers me so many opportunities that I wouldn't necessarily get anywhere else. I feel this is the right decision for me at this time in my life. Did I mention that there is a bar, a good mexican restaurant and a frozen yogurt place all within walking distance?? If that's not a sign that I am supposed to go there, I don't know what is!! I will be able to get around without a car which is one of the best parts as I literally haven't missed driving at all.

Now that I have made my decision, I am trusting that the Holy Spirit will provide for me. Going there is not the cheapest option so I am hoping that scholarships and such will work out in my favor. I am hoping to avoid loans as I have more than enough of those from undergrad and really would prefer to not pile on more since who knows what the job market will look like when I get done in three(+) years!! I am just so grateful that I have been given the opportunity to study there and I intend not to squander it. I hope it all works out for me and that I am able to thrive there. That is my biggest fear: that I will fail out or not succeed at it. I would hate to disappoint God and other people who are all going to be putting their hopes in me to do well and come out of seminary. I've always wanted to live on the West Coast and so perhaps this is God's way of getting me there!! All I know is that God gave me a happy ending to my story which proves beyond any doubt that he is a good and loving God. Thanks be to God! Hallelujah!!

All for the Best??

"Don't forget that when you get to heaven, you'll be blessed. Yes, it's all for the best."

-Godspell

"God is a sadistic prick. Worship me and I'll treat you like shit."

-Rabbit Hole

So, here is a blog post that I was hoping never to have to write although I had it prepared in my mind for the past few weeks just in case. I've blogged on here before about how I was finally feeling called by God to head to seminary. I was really excited about finally having some sense of direction and some sort of purpose in my life finally. I was so looking forward to starting seminary in the fall and couldn't wait to finally be back in academia. Well, I sadly have some bad news to report on that front. Apparently, God decided to play yet another trick on me. I found out end of last week that both the seminaries I applied to rejected my application for admission for the fall. When I first got the letters, I have to admit I felt completely dejected and saddened by the news. I cried for a good 20 minutes and still find myself on the verge of tears sometimes over it. You better believe I said some very harsh things to God and may have even called him some very offensive names in the process. However, all that is over with. I've finished crying all my tears and I am now trying to see the good in this situation.

Perhaps God determined that I just wasn't ready for seminary. Maybe I still have too much self-loathing and haven't done enough growing up to adequately prepare me for the ministry. Maybe I'll be ready for it next year. Maybe in ten or twenty years, I will be ready. Maybe I'm not meant to go and I have been misinterpreting God's call. Maybe I wasn't meant to go to the schools I applied to. Maybe God has an odd sense of humor and thinks screwing around with me like this is some idea of a colossal joke. He does seem to have a sick sense of humor after all. I admit to having no idea why God has put this obstacle in front of me.

As I always do, I took the rejections pretty personal and blamed myself for them. As in, if I had just written better essays or had a better transcript or chosen different references or applied to more schools or the list goes on and on. Yes, I'm very angry at God right now. I think I have every right to be. I mean, I finally think I've figured out what he wants me to do next with my life and then He has the audacity to say no!! What gives??!! I'm ashamed to admit this but there was a brief moment when I contemplated suicide. I know, I'm so ashamed of myself for even thinking those thoughts as I really thought I was past that stage of my life. Apparently not, which really upsets me. However, I was so emotionally distraught that night I got the second rejection letter that my thoughts were so full of hurt and pain and anger. It's hard not to see it as a personal rejection. It's hard not to read those letters and see it as them saying, "We're sorry but you are simply too fat, ugly, stupid and gross to come to our school so please go away and don't ever come back". It's like I'm the kid on the playground once again being picked last or told I couldn't play with the cool kids. I know I shouldn't see it that way but I can't help how I feel. I'm just so tired of being rejected from things. It hurts.

Anyway, I've had a few days to process everything. I'm now able to see it more as their loss than mine. If they don't want me, then they don't even know what they're missing. I've started exploring other options for next year but would prefer to keep a lid on them until I have more to report. Let's just say I always end up having to implement Plan B and I am getting really tired of it. Trying to stay positive and optimistic and realize that God doesn't close a door without opening a window. While I am still very, very bitter and angry at Him, I am having to learn how to continue to rely on Him for guidance and assurance. I know that He will lead me down the path that is best for me but I just wish that path was the one I want to take for once!! I've joked with friends over the last couple of days that I'm going to change my name to Job as that really is how I feel sometimes. I know that everything will work out for the best but I just hate that I always have to hit my lowest point emotionally before that can happen. Prayers for me during this time would be greatly appreciated as I try to once again discern where God is leading me next. Hopefully, I will have an answer to that question soon but I'm learning to wait on God's time, not mine!!

"It's all ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."