I'll Be Home for Christmas

Fall Semester is officially over and done with. Took my last final Thursday morning and flew back to Texas Friday night. There was homemade cheesecake waiting for me upon my return and now there's homemade pumpkin bread and peanut butter cookies. I love the Holidays!!

I'm in town for about two weeks with absolutely nothing scheduled for me at all this time. Should be a nice break from the busy-ness of Fall Semester. It's nice to have a bit of a break from papers, tests, lectures and studying. I'm sure I will be bored soon enough but for right now I'm enjoying the down-time. Today, I decorated the house with my family and it felt really nostalgic to be getting the house ready and going through all the old ornaments that have been in our family for years. Christmas is my favorite time of year and so I'm very glad to get to spend it at home this year. Granted, last year not going home for Christmas was exactly what I needed that year but this year, I really wanted to be home.

Finals went really well actually. Looks like I will end up with at least a 3.4 this semester for my GPA which is pretty good if I do so say myself. I don't actually know my grades yet so that is a complete guess but based on how I've been doing in my classes this semester, it seems pretty likely. I'm pretty impressed myself and it just proves that my fears about failing out were unfounded. I really need to learn to trust myself more. Overall, this semester went really well and is really making me look forward to next semester.

Anyway, I'm in the Lone Star state until the 2nd of January so those of you who would like to see me, please let me know. Also, if you happen to know of any babysitting/housesitting/petsitting opportunities while I'm here, please let me know. I've been unemployed for a while now which has severely hit my bank account so I need to be really frugal while I'm here. I've been looking for part-time work up at school but will need to be hitting that in earnest when I get back to campus. It's gonna be a rough few weeks until I manage to locate something.

Anyway, that's all I have to report. I hope everyone has a very merry holiday season. Best wishes for you on this most festive of occasions. Enjoy.

Final Countdown

Well folks,

We have come to that point in the semester. Finals are right around the corner. This also means that my first semester of seminary is almost over with. Seems like I just started last week. Weird how fast time flies. All in all, it's been a pretty great semester and has only affirmed that I'm in the right place in my life. Hard to believe that in just a few more days, it will all be over and I will be on a plane back to Texas (again) for a few weeks of rest and relaxation before I head back to start classes again.

This next part might sound odd to some of you but I have always loved finals week!! In undergrad, it was one of my absolute favorite things and I always looked forward to it every semester. Here, it's no different. I just really enjoy having a lot to do and spending all day studying and cramming as much knowledge into my head as possible. Plus, the fact that all you have to do in class is take a test. There's no actual learning that goes on that week and it's just a really chill and fun time of studying and paper writing etc. I know I sound so weird for admitting that I like finals week. Did I mention I'm a Type A? That could have something to do with my love for it. In undergrad, my system was usually take a final in the morning, then reward myself by watching a movie when I got home and then start studying again for another final or writing a paper etc. I think I might try and implement that system once again here. We'll see how that goes. I have gotten ridiculously behind on my movie watching so finals week could be a great excuse to catch up on some I've missed.

In other non-finals related news, the seminary choir had their annual Lessons and Carols service this past weekend and it went really well. We sounded really good and got lots of compliments. I even had one of my friends from Oakland come and see it and spend the night at my house and it was so great to see him and catch up some. I really needed that time to catch up and connect with a non-seminary related person. It's so rare that I get those moments so when I do, I treasure them. It's important to maintain relationships with people who knew you prior to going to seminary. It's important to have people that you can talk about non-seminary related stuff with. It can sometimes feel like all I talk about these days is theology and Old Testament studies and schoolwork and while I do sincerely love that stuff, it's good to every once in a while talk about something not related to this world. It's important to remember that I have outside interests. Seminary can often feel like a bubble and every once in a while, it's important to make sure that bubble gets popped. While I absolutely love my classmates and my studies, I need to make sure to re-orient myself occasionally with people who are not classmates.

To that end, it was so great to get to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. I was definitely nervous as I walked to their front door because I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would receive. After all, this is family I hadn't seen in over ten years and a lot has changed in that time. My reservations disappeared as soon as I walked in the door. I was greeted with hugs and well-wishes from the moment I walked in the door and that feeling lasted the entire time I was there. I am so glad I got to re-connect with them and I ended up staying the night at my cousin's and having breakfast with my uncle, a man who I have long admired and looked up to. So much food and fellowship and fun. Playing in the annual Ping-Pong Tournament, meeting my 17 and 13 year old cousins that I had never met before and being shocked at how old they're getting, petting the cutest little 4 month old kitten I have ever seen. Yeah, it was definitely a holiday to remember and definitely one of the best Thanksgivings I've ever had. I'm only two hours away so am gonna try and see them more than just at Thanksgiving. After all, its been ten years so gotta maximize my chances to see them when I can!!

I'm gonna close this off now and head to bed. I have got a very long week ahead of me. I've gotten behind on Final preps in a couple of my classes so will need to spend this week focusing on catching up so I will be prepared for the finals next week. Otherwise, Finals week won't be fun for me and that would be a real tragedy!!

PS: I'll be back in Texas starting December 16th so if you want to see me or otherwise know I exist, drop me a line and I will pencil you into!! I get booked quickly (the perils of being a star) so let me know ASAP!!

Save Me, San Francisco

Hello all my loyal readers, sorry for the lack of posting but it has been absolutely crazy in my world the last few weeks. The post-fall break, pre-finals time is absolutely insane. As of tonight, though, I am officially on Thanksgiving break which is nice. Granted, it's not that much of a break as I have a paper to write and a LOT of reading to do but I am done with class time which is nice. I am planning on spending Tuesday and Wednesday in the library getting all my work done so that I can have Thursday and Friday to myself. I really need to take a breather and spend some time just relaxing and de-stressing from the last few weeks and prepping myself for the last leg of this semester. This semester has just flown by and it is really hard to believe that I am already almost done with my first semester of seminary. Almost doesn't seem possible. Yet, here it is.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be spending part of the week in Texas. That trip ended up being a really good one and I had a great experience seeing old friends and making new ones and just generally enjoying my time there. I was really glad to get back to school, though, to the wonderful community I've made here. I've never lived in such a supportive, affirming community before and it really feels quite wonderful. I feel like this is a place where I can truly be myself and have that self affirmed and supported by the community. That's very hard to find and something I have searched for for a long time. I feel so blessed in so many ways to be here.

As to my own betterment, that's been steadily improving. I have started working out in the gym two to three days a week. I'm even waking up early to go to the gym which is so uncharacteristic of me in so many ways. I've been mainly focusing on improving my muscle capacity and such and while I absolutely hate working out and especially despise doing anything involving weights, I've found it to be a tolerable experience so far. A chance for me to just prepare myself both physically and mentally for the day ahead. It's become an important part of my day and I'm actually to the point where I look forward to doing it which is an even bigger shocker. A few weeks ago, I voluntarily agreed to go on a hike with one of my classmates. That's something that you would have never seen me doing just a few months ago. Yet, somehow, in this environment, it just felt like a good idea and something I wanted to do. So, I woke up early on a Saturday morning and hiked up a mountain of my own free will. The view was beautiful and it was a really great bonding activity so I am glad I did it. I am finally becoming the person I have always wanted to be. The kind of person who cooks and bakes and eats healthy and exercises and voluntarily goes hiking. That is the kind of person that I have wanted to become and living out here has allowed me plenty of opportunities to do it. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my random lazy days on the couch watching a movie or my late nights at the bar but I am also realizing the joy and subtle beauty that can be found in the outdoors. It's something I hadn't really picked up on until moving out here.

As far as my spiritual life is concerned, that's been an interesting journey as well. I haven't yet found a church yet that I want to start attending every week but instead have been church shopping and have gone to a different church every Sunday I've been here. I've met some incredibly warm and generous people at all the churches I've visited. I've also been regularly attending the chapel services at school almost every day and they have been very life-giving and nourishing in completely different ways. Seminary can, in many ways, actually be a crisis of faith time and can really shake your beliefs. While I haven't struggled with that as much as some of my classmates, there are still some times when I have questioned why I am here and what I am learning and how can I possibly apply it to my future path. In those moments, I find that chapel sustains me and gives me the nourishment that I need to go on and continue. My spiritual life has so far been enriched and nourished by my time at seminary. I'm enjoying my church shopping and so far don't really feel a need to find that one church that I want to attend for the rest of my time here. For right now, I'm perfectly content with hopping around every Sunday and getting my fulfillment from chapel each day. That's enough for me right now.

I'm still doing well academically even though the work load seems to have really ramped up the last few weeks. I've found myself being able to keep up and even stay afloat in spite of everything. My favorite thing about seminary is that it is absolutely perfect for my Type A side!! While others feel overwhelmed and stressed with all the work, I find myself thriving with having so much to do. My YAV year was great but my Type A personality really struggled with it. Now, however, my Type A-ness is allowed to shine and it is a very happy person right now!! Yes, I have lots to do and yes sometimes it can feel like a lot but that is when I am at my best. Not letting the stress of school get to me. I know I can do this and I want to do this. I had my ministerial purpose and such re-confirmed for me when I went home last month as I met some people who thought that the things I want to accomplish with my ministry were great and much needed. I realize I'm being cryptic and vague and that's because I want to wait to clarify it before I commit to writing it on paper, so to speak. Eventually, there will be a blog post dedicated to that very topic but we are not there yet so just hold on!!

Well, I think it is time to close this off. I've been told that my posts are too long and I guess that is true. Something I might need to think about for the future. Anyway, I hope everyone reading this has a lovely Thanksgiving. I will be driving out to Sacramento to spend the day with my cousins and my aunt and uncle. It's the extended family that I haven't seen in over 10 years so I'm very excited about re-connecting with them and meeting the family members that have been born since the last time I saw them all. I think there will be about 8 of us there which might make it one of the bigger Thanksgivings I've been to. I've always loved Thanksgiving because of the simple fact that it is a chance to spend time with family or those you consider family. I sincerely hope that everyone reading this gets the chance to spend the holiday with the people they love, whether that be your biological family or those who have become like family to you. Remember, family is how you define it so please spend the day being with the people you love regardless of who that may be. There's something sacred and indeed special about the feast and the sitting at the table. Cherish it, nurture it and most of all, enjoy it. Play with your 8-year-old cousins. Watch some football with your brother. Have a genuine, grown-up conversation with your father. Help your mother in the kitchen. Whatever you do, though, remember above all to just enjoy yourself. It's increasingly rare to get to spend that time together with the people you love so whenever we do, we really should cherish it more. Forget for just one day about everything else you have going on in your life and just breathe. Relax. Don't stress. Remember the sacredness of the feast around the table and treasure it. Honor it, give it the attention it deserves. That's what I want to leave you with as we head into this holiday season.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

I Want To Break Free

Hello, everyone. Just wanted to give everyone a brief update to say that I have made it to the half-way point of my first semester of seminary. I'm on "Fall Break" this week which means I have no classes but I still have some work to do to prepare for next week. The school's official name for it is Reading Week as we are supposed to spend the week reading and prepping for the return back to classes next week. I've done some of that but have mostly been relaxing and enjoying the calm. It's been pretty quiet around campus as a lot of people take advantage of this opportunity to get away for a few days. I, myself, will be leaving tomorrow for another brief trip to Texas. My last trip there didn't go so well and I left feeling very angry and frustrated. However, I think this trip should be much better and less stressful so that's good. My schedule is pretty booked up during that time so if you haven't already made plans to see me, let me know ASAP and I will do my best to fit you in. I am also going to be back at Christmas for two whole weeks so if you don't see me this time, there will be plenty of time at Christmas. I'm going to be up in Sherman a good part of the weekend but other than that, I will be in Denton so just let me know.

It's been really nice to have this break from classes and such. On Saturday, I spent the entire day at the beach with some of my classmates and it was absolutely one of the most perfect days I have ever had in my life. The weather was gorgeous, the company was great, the food was delicious and the beach was beautiful. I've fallen in love with Northern California and I don't see myself ever wanting to live somewhere else anytime soon. I feel so thankful to be here and so grateful to God for getting me here. It was a long, hard road to get here but it has so been worth it. This is a great part of the country to live in and the school is absolutely so incredibly supportive and nurturing and welcoming and just all those other superlatives that I can't really name right now. I'm truly blessed to be here.

Classes have been going very well for me, surprisingly. I set myself a goal at the beginning of the semester that I would make a 3.0 this semester. That was a pretty lofty goal, I thought, for someone who never had above a 2.7 in undergrad. However, it is looking like I might make at least that or maybe better which I'm so happy about. I managed to do extremely well on both my midterms (B+ on both my Hebrew and Church History midterms) and I am starting to do better in Old Testament which is still my most difficult class but now that I have found my groove, I am doing much better in it. It's such a good feeling to know that I can do so well at school. In a previous post, I mentioned about how my biggest fear was that I would flunk out my first semester and not make it through. Well, barring some major upsets, it looks like that fear won't come to fruition which is such a relief. I think I will easily meet my goal of a 3.0 this semester and might even have higher than that. Not bad for somebody who never managed to make above a 2.7 in undergrad!!

So, as you can see, things are going exceedingly well for me here. I am in a really good place now and feel so happy and confident about myself. I look at where I was just six months ago and where I am now and I feel so happy to be where I am now. I loved Chicago and still do but I know now that Northern California and seminary is truly where I'm supposed to be now. I absolutely love it here and constantly am amazed that I actually live in California, a lifelong dream come to fruition!!

Hold On

Hello everyone, just wanted to let you guys know that I am still alive!! Classes are still going great and I am still happy I'm here. I almost had a minor meltdown last week as I was really letting the stress and work load of one class get to me. I did seriously consider dropping a class but I ultimately decided against it. I would have to take it eventually anyway so might as well tough it out and get through it this semester. Plus, I've started doing a lot better in that class which makes me feel good about not dropping it. I even managed to make a B+ on my first paper which just proves that I am doing ok!! I mean, really, a B+ on my first ever grad school paper. Never saw that coming!?! I'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now which is how it should be. I know that I can do this and I do constantly tell myself that but it feels really good to get some sort of affirmation of that from a professor. I'm even managing to do ok in Hebrew. It's a fascinating language to study and so I find myself really enjoying reviewing the material and doing the homework. Such an interesting language with so much history behind it. Things are finally starting to click for me in that class which is a good feeling. Think I'm gonna be ok in there and might even manage to pull out a B or B- which are considered good grades in seminary as As are very few and far between especially for Hebrew. As for the rest of my classes, they are going really smoothly as well. I added an Improv class on Wednesday afternoons and that has proven to be a great decision as it really has been fun to have to think on my feet. The class is also hilarious and so I leave every week with a smile which is so great. I was really bad at improv in high school so it's good to know that I seem to have improved significantly since then. Choir has been an incredibly supportive and nurturing experience which is the complete opposite of my previous choral experiences which left me feeling very bitter and negative toward ever doing choir again. We are super short on guys which means I am one of the more knowledgeable and experienced members which always makes me feel good. The first couple of weeks of it were really stressful for me because I really let myself get worked up over the fact that I wasn't able to hit the right notes. I tend to be super self-critical when it comes to my singing voice (I'm pretty sure my voice teacher would agree with me on that, right Jenny??!!) which is really silly since I've been told numerous times that I have a great voice. Now, however, I've let that self-criticism go and am focusing on why I sing: because it is a way to praise God and thank Him for the many ways that he has blessed my life over the years. With that in my focus, I'm now better able to enjoy myself during choir and have fun with it. We sang for the first time at chapel this week and got great reviews. We really do sound great considering how few of us there are.

I've finally gotten a routine down for school work which is really helping to relieve the stress level somewhat. I'm able to block out chunks of time each day to work on school work and still have some time left over at the end of the day usually for free time that I can spend either watching TV or hanging out with classmates or whatever else I might wish to use it for. I really need my down time if I am going to stay sane around here. I need to have that time where I can just relax, chill out, watch a movie or whatever else I might want to use it for. As long as I still manage to get my school work done and stay afloat in all my classes, I don't really think anybody can really begrudge me if I want to have some time to watch a TV show or whatever. School is my first priority and will always be but I also need to allow myself some me time. I recently got elected to several student government positions so am eager to get started working with them to make my voice heard on this campus. I'm very lucky to be here at this school at this moment in its history and I am really excited to represent them in so many different capacities. I was elected to the Student Government Council and the Community Life Council so I will be heavily involved in the governing of the campus but also in planning the events that happen on campus. Yeah, I think it's a pretty big deal and I am really looking forward to sharing my voice and my ideas. Event planning was something I was heavily involved with in college so I am looking forward to doing it again here. I also agreed to serve as an editor for the soon-to-be launched student online magazine, an effort for the students to have their work read and seen by an audience. I'm really excited about that opportunity as well as it represents something new and different for the school to try. Interested to see what stories and articles we end up using to represent the student body.

As for non-school related stuff, that'a all going well, I guess. I recently decided to set a new goal for myself as I am about to start another year of life. In the four years since college, I have lost a significant amount of weight (about 20 pounds or so) and I have decided to make my new goal gaining most or all of that weight back. To that end, I started a new workout regime today that involves more muscle building and less cardio training. I'm also going to try and up my calorie intake every day although since I don't really count calories, I'm not really relying on that method as much. I know you probably almost never hear of people actively trying to gain weight but I am. I want to emphasize here that this does not mean that I hate my body or how I look or anything like that. Wanting to gain or lose weight does not necessarily mean that one is unhappy with how they look. It can simply mean that they want to get back in shape or get healthy so they don't die young or whatever else. In my case, it's an acknowledgement that my current weight is not really that healthy for someone my age and height. There is absolutely no reason why a late-20s almost 6 foot male should weigh barely more than 100 lbs (112 last time I weighed myself). I'm not exactly sure how I managed to lose 20 pounds but I did. I still like myself and I still think I look good but I'm also concerned that I might potentially be too skinny which could prove to be bad news later on down the road. So, it's a health issue for me. Also, I'm tired of being a weakling who can't lift anything. If I can develop some muscle, that will add weight and allow me to be able to lift something heavier than 5 pounds so it's a win-win as far as I am concerned. I'm going to attempt to do this weight gain in a healthy and gradual way as it's very tempting to return to my eating fast food every day method of gaining weight. However, that method will also lead to high cholesterol so not really a very good option for me. I think if I stick to building muscle and increasing my caloric consumption, I should be able to gradually add on some pounds. It might be a while before I notice anything significant but that's fine too. If you have any hints or suggestions for me, please do feel free to let me know. I'm always up for trying something as long as it's healthy and not too expensive or extreme.

The only other thing I have to share is that I am planning on being back in Denton for part of next week so if you want to see me, let me know. I'm not going to be back very long (flying in Wednesday night and leaving Saturday evening) so do get back to me ASAP. I have a very important meeting I have to attend Thursday afternoon that could determine my entire future so that's why I'm coming back into town. Yes, I'm being vague on purpose. I will have more details to share on that later after it's over. I'd rather not jinx anything by mentioning anything about it on here so that's all I'm going to say on that matter. Anyway, next week also marks the beginning of my 27th year of life so I'm going to be back those first few days after my birthday. I'm considering hosting a shindig or get-together of some sort to celebrate if anyone's interested and available to do anything. If not, no big deal. Anyway, I will keep updated on those plans if/when they develop.

Yeah, like I said, things are going really well for me now. It was rough there for a little bit but with your prayers and God's help, I managed to make it through. Here's hoping the hardest part of this semester is over although since next week I have two midterms and a quiz, it's not looking likely!!

This IS the Moment

"Let the rains go. Let the healing river flow.

Let justice roll like waters. Let the day begin when new life enters in

And let your kingdom come."

I got the chance to spend this past weekend at the beautiful Ghost Ranch in New Mexico as part of the final stage of my YAV year that I recently finished. Here, at Ghost Ranch, was where the program decided to hold its transition retreat. A chance for those of us who just finished our year of service to come together once again and learn about how to transition back into regular life and what that transition might look like.

I had been looking forward to this retreat ever since I started my YAV year last August. It was a chance to see some of my fellow YAVs, most of whom I had not seen in over a year. As we were gathering at the airport, it felt so great to talk with them again and reminisce about the past year and share stories and adventures that occurred to us over the last year. I was really struck by just how many of us had similar stories to tell. Different locations of course but the same general stories about helping the under-privileged or fighting the system or feeling like a complete and utter failure at what you are doing. Good to know that the world is actually a lot smaller than we think and that people everywhere are struggling with the same issues.

The actual retreat itself was full of positive but emotionally draining sessions that talked about all the different transitions that would be necessary from this past year. We had small group time which allowed us to tell our stories to someone else free of judgement or comment. It was really good to hear that upon ending the year and returning "home", many of us experienced the same feelings of disorientation and confusion and even a sense of loss. It made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only one who dealt with those feelings.

Later in the weekend, there was a special service of healing and wholeness in which we were invited to let go of everything from the past year. All the hurt, all the pain, the anguish and grief and bitterness was brought forth, named and given up to God. It was really powerful and honestly, really healing for me. This past year was great in so many years but there was also a lot of anguish, grief, pain, bitterness, anger, fear and even some hate. It felt good to be able to release that and give it up to God. I genuinely felt like a huge burden had been lifted; one that I had been carrying around for far too long. All that pain is gone and I feel like a different person. There was also a special session during the weekend for those who had experienced some sort of trauma over the past year. If you have been reading this blog at any point in the past year, you should hopefully be aware of the kind of trauma I went through last year. It felt really healing to attend a group therapy session and hear other people's stories about the trauma they went through. I've always been a big advocate for therapy (might need to start going again while I am in school) but this was the first time I had ever done a group therapy session. So much better in so many ways. Having that safe space where I felt I could speak my mind and not be judged was so vitally important to me. It felt good to publicly say some of the things that had been weighing on my mind over the last year. Things I can't even post on here because too many people view this thing. Yet, in that safe space, I felt like I could be open and honest about everything and say what was on my mind.

The last sessions dealt with the concept of new beginnings which was really important to talk about seeing as how I just started a new beginning by moving out to the West Coast for school. After this weekend, I feel a lot better about school and have a renewed sense of purpose. I feel very refreshed and re-invigorated and am ready to get back into the swing of things. I'm not going to let school stress me out anymore. If I need to drop a class because the stress level is getting to me, then I am willing to do that. I can always retake a class but I can't always recover from having a nervous breakdown or going crazy or whatever else could potentially happen to me if I let myself get too worked up. I know that this is where God wants me to be and that with his help, I can do this. I need to remember to practice good self care and recognize when my body is telling me that enough is enough. That's gonna be the hardest part. I've mentioned before that I am a hard core Type A and seminary is the perfect environment for that as there is always so much to do. Of course, that also means there is a danger that I will do too much and burn out like I did in high school. So, I just need to know how to listen to my body and accept when I have enough on my plate. While I'm still sometimes questioning my decision to come here, I have to trust that God has a purpose and a plan for my life that includes me being at seminary.

This past weekend was spent in an absolutely beautiful part of the country with some of the most amazing people I know. It was exactly the break I needed and helped give me the motivation I needed to start school again. Here's hoping I can keep that momentum going throughout the rest of the semester.

I Will Survive

Well, folks, I have made it to the third week of classes. So far, so good. I'm managing to keep my head above water but just barely. Grad school is a lot of reading, who knew??!! No, in all honesty folks, I'm finally starting to find a routine and a rhythm that works for me so it should hopefully get easier for me from here on out. I constantly need to remind myself that I can do this. There have definitely been some days when I have really wondered if I actually can do this. Can I really make it? Am I meant to be here? Is this really the path God is calling me down? I still really love it here and have found myself so blessed to have found this community. It's so incredibly supportive and nurturing and that is so great to have. Through the difficult times, people have been there for me to help lift me up and offer me support and let me know that I really can do this and that I will make it through. I'm trying not to lose sight of the reason I came to seminary. I'm trying to keep at the forefront of my mind all the ministry goals that I have when I get done here. I'm trying real hard to hold it all together and not let the stress and difficulty and everything else wear me down. It can be tough though. Hebrew is really proving to be a challenge and it's frustrating me because I want to learn it. I really want to have that knowledge in my head but I am just having difficulty. All my classes are so fascinating and so interesting that I look forward to going to class every day. That's how I know I've found my place. I'm happy and that's the most important thing. Yes, classes are stressful and studying is not fun and I find myself sometimes overwhelmed by the workload but what keeps me motivated is the knowledge that I genuinely want to be here. This is one of the few times in my life that I can honestly say that I am following God's plan for my life. With that knowledge, it's enough to get me through. This is where God wants me and I am willing to accept that and honor it.

I think I should take a moment to explain a part of the reason why I am sounding so drained and distraught today. I just got word yesterday that one of my very good friends (I would even go so far as to say that she was a best friend) from high school died yesterday. I was quite shocked by the news as I had been out of the loop and didn't even know that there was anything wrong. I think that's what I lament the most: the fact that it had been almost six years since we last connected and now I will never get the opportunity to re-connect with her. I'm a very loyal friend but I am terrible at keeping in touch. I will be the first to admit that. I have lost contact with so many people just because I didn't really have time to stay in touch or got busy or just plain didn't feel like they would want to hear from me anymore. This is not the first time that I have been reminded about just how bad I am at staying in touch. She is about the third or fourth friend to die on me after not keeping in touch with them. Once again, I get a reminder that I need to really improve myself in that regard. I have very few good memories of high school but she was one of the few bright spots from that time period. She was always so upbeat and perky and full of life and hilarious and somebody that could cheer me up no matter what was going on in my life. That vibrancy and zest for life was contagious and it was impossible not to be happy when she was around. She was also an incredibly gifted actress and a very loyal friend. She loved her friends so much and since she was always so happy, it was impossible not to be her friend. Everyone that knew her loved her. It just couldn't be helped. I saw her almost every day for four years. Then, college happened and we went our separate ways and didn't really speak much after that. I think that happens to a lot of friendships. People drift apart and move away and it is the rare friendship that is able to withstand all that. To be honest, I think I drifted apart on purpose. I really needed to distance myself from high school and the painful memories of it. I needed to grow up some and the best way to do that at least for me at that time, was to distance myself from the people who knew me then. Was it the right decision? That's debatable but I know that it is what I did and consequently there's less than a handful of people from my high school days that I still actively keep in touch with. Do I regret that? I'm not sure about that either. There's not much I can say about it now other than it happened and I did it and I can't go back and change it now. I will just say this: my life is richer because I knew her and I will never be the same.

As for me, I'm keeping my head up and trying my best to focus on school. I've been feeling kinda numb all day today and not really sure that I actually processed everything that I learned today. This weekend marks the YAV Re-Entry Retreat at Ghost Ranch in New Mexico and while I am really looking forward to it, I'm also not really sure that's where my head is right now. Going to Re-Entry this weekend means I won't be able to attend my friend's memorial service which means I will miss the opportunity to say goodbye to her in person and to re-connect with people that I haven't seen in years. This is one of those times when moving away from home really sucks but I just have to accept that I am where I am needed to be. I need to be at Ghost Ranch this weekend. I need to be with my fellow YAVs sharing the stories of this past year and reminiscing about our experiences. I need that support system to help get me through this emotionally. I've been looking forward to this weekend for over a year and so I plan to go and enjoy myself and have fun and spend time with my friends that I love so much but on Friday, my heart will be back in Texas as I think about her and her service. Just highlights what all I left behind to come here.

Please don't be worried about me. I'm not depressed or distraught or anything like that. I'm actually really happy even if it doesn't come across that way on here. My heart is sad and I am struggling with a lot but overall, I know that where I am is where I'm supposed to be.