"There's No Place Like Home" . . . well, maybe??

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your stuff, that idea of home is gone. It just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

- Garden State

They say home is where the heart is. If the exception proves the rule, I guess that's true.

- Dixie Chicks

I want to preface this blog post by stating that some of what I am going to say here might be construed as insulting or offensive by some people. Please know that I do not intend anything I post here to be harmful or mean-spirited in any way toward anybody. However, I made a promise that when I started this blog, I would be completely honest about my feelings and such on it. I refuse to compromise or otherwise be anything other than completely myself on here. This blog is meant to be a catharsis for me so I need to be completely myself on here for that reason. If you find anything I say on here hurtful or insulting or offensive in any way, please know that it is not meant to be taken that way. That being said, we now return you to our regularly scheduled blog post.

I wanted to take some time now to talk about the concept of home. What does that word even mean? Home. It's a word that is full of meaning but also ambiguity. For many people, home is where their family lives. But that's not the entire definition of the word, is it? After all, what about people who don't have any family or who hate their family or are estranged from their family? What do they consider home? Is it where they live now? Is the entire concept of home a myth that we've created to make us feel better about ourselves?

All of this is to say that for me, home is a word full of contradictions. While Texas will always be a part of me in some way, I have to be honest and admit that it really doesn't feel like home anymore. It hasn't for a very long time, actually. Even through college, Texas started to feel less and less like home. I just personally don't feel that deep sense of connection to my home state (or hometown) anymore. While I want to quickly emphasize here that I do deeply miss my family and friends there, there's really nothing left for me back in Texas. I think I've gotten out of it everything I could. There's really no further growth I could do there. In fact, in many ways, moving back there would be a mistake because I could potentially start to regress and lose all the progress I have made. Moving away from "home" (as it were) was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make but looking back on it, it was also a necessity. I needed to branch out and get outside my comfort zone. That's the biggest thing that Texas represents to me right now, safety and convenience. Those are both great things and I am not trying to under-emphasize them but for myself I need to be out of that environment because it doesn't allow room for growth and change. Life isn't about being safe or convenient. Life involves risk and taking chances and not knowing what the next adventure will bring but doing it anyway.

I've already posted on here about my past and the abuse and hurt I suffered for so many years. Texas, for me, will always represent that in some ways. It's hard for me to think of the place and not be confronted with those painful memories that I would rather not think about. Plus, I don't think it's any great secret that I don't exactly share the views or opinion of a lot of the people in that state. Let's be completely honest here and just state for the record that Texas has become downright hateful and discriminatory toward so many others. I don't really want to live in that environment anymore, quite frankly. I realize there are many there who would disagree with those statements and I am also aware that not everybody feels that way. However, you definitely won't find me in the pro-Texas camp. Of course, I realize that by openly bashing the great state of Texas, I am probably going to get lots of hate mail, death threats and probably even a few angry villagers with pitchforks! I don't hate Texas, let me just emphasize that right here and right now. I just have realized that for me, it was not the best place for me to live and so while it may be "home", it's not really "home". It's a place where I keep a lot of my stuff and where many people that I care deeply about are. However, for myself, that's all it is anymore. There's nothing else the state can do for me at this point in time.

So, what exactly does all this rambling mean as it relates to me? Well, since Chicago doesn't feel like home and probably won't be since I will be leaving it in a few months, it means that I am essentially a displaced citizen ie without a home to belong to. Maybe that's how I should feel at this point in my life. Maybe I won't really find a home again until I settle down somewhere and possibly have a family. Maybe God will make that place Texas as some sort of colossal joke (He does like to do those kinds of things to me)!! Maybe I'm just meant to be a wandering drifter never really settling down or finding a home somewhere. I'm actually ok with that idea, by the way. I don't by any means feel bad about this fact. It just gives me an exciting opportunity to re-discover home and what it is. Until then, I guess I shall be a wandering drifter, just passing through in search of a mythical place called "Home".

40 Days and 40 Nights!!

Well, friends, the season of Lent has been upon us for a week now which means it is time for that season of devotion and remembering the sacrifices that Jesus made for us. I have started participating in a Lenten book study at church and have really been getting a lot out of it so far. The book is 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it has proved to be an interesting experience. The book requires prayer, meditation and journaling every day in Lent and I have so far been diligently doing my devotional every day right when I wake up. I am so far getting a lot out of it and if you have been reading my Facebook, you may have noticed that I have been occasionally posting Bible passages on there that come from that day's reading. I was unfamiliar with Bonhoeffer prior to starting this study and I am so far finding him to be an engaging and unique theologian. So far, it has proved to be a positive experience and I am just proud that I have been able to keep at it every day as that is something that I struggle with. I am really bad at that kind of stuff but I was determined to make it part of my Lenten journey this year and so far, it is working out wonderfully. I've even been waking up earlier to do my devotionals so that I will still have time to get ready for work and while I am by no means a morning person, I have found that starting out my day with devotional has proven to be a great way to start my day.

I've also been dedicating more time to writing than usual. By that, I mean that I have been spending 45 minutes a day working on my long-gestating screenplay. It's been in my head since I was a senior in high school and now nine years later, I decided this was as good a time as any to start putting it down on paper. It's been tough but I have found that the creative process is where I truly thrive and maybe by the end of Lent, I will have a finished screenplay!! As I have been devoting more time to writing, that means that I have been devoting less time to my TV and movie obsession. I know, shocker, right??!! I've been mostly watching TV on Sundays after I get home from church and last night was the first night I had watched a movie in over two weeks. I'm trying to make other things a priority such as time with God, time with friends and time with myself. TV and movies kinda fall by the wayside when you re-shift your priorities. I haven't officially given them up for Lent just decided to make other things a priority this time. I did give up using my debit card so for the season of Lent, I am cash only. So far, it's worked out pretty well and it is helping me sort out the difference between needs and wants. I don't need to order McDonald's on the way to work. I might want to because it is so convenient and easy but I don't need it. It is a want, not a need. I'm hoping to make this a permanent change if it goes well during Lent. I will keep you posted on that development. That's all I have to report on this front. What is everyone else doing for Lent? Let me know. I would love to hear how people are choosing to spend this holy season.

Love without End, Amen

"You see, daddies don't just love their children every now and then. It's a love without end, Amen!!"

-George Strait

I know this blog is supposed to be about me and my journey and what I am doing here in Chicago but I really wanted to take a time out from that today to bring you something a little bit different. You see, today marks exactly seven years ago that my father passed away. So, I thought I would just take a second to remember the man who gave me life and with whom I share a last name (and so much more).

My dad and I did not have the greatest relationship. To be honest, he really wasn't much of a father to me or my brother and he was not a very good husband to our mother either. Yet, in his own way, he really tried to be the best father he could be to his children. He didn't really have an example to look up to in that respect as his own father was never there for him when he was growing up. His father basically spent all his time at work and left his mother to do the raising up of him. So, bearing that in mind, it becomes a little easier to understand why he was the kind of dad he was. We learn how to be parents by watching our parents raise us.

Growing up, I was always jealous of my friends who had parents that were active and involved in their lives and actually did things with their kids. My dad never wanted to play catch or go to the beach and swim or those "normal" father-son things. His idea of spending quality time with his kids was watching the Cowboys or Rangers game and maybe talking during commercials. I will say, in his defense however, that things got markedly better once he was divorced from my mom and only got to see me a couple weekends a month. Those weekends I spent at his apartment became all about me. We would play board games together and watch TV together and he would buy me lunch and make me dinner and basically treat me like I was the most important thing in the world. Do you have any idea how good that felt? Unfortunately, at the time, I really didn't appreciate it all that much. I was always mad that I had to go spend time with him because it meant I couldn't see my friends or have all my games and such with me. Plus, his apartments were never as nice and spacious as what I had with my mom so I was upset that I had to live like a poor person for the weekend. I realize this makes me sound like a horrible human being and that I should have been more grateful to be getting to spend time with my dad but honestly, I was in elementary and middle school so what can one expect??

When my dad first became sick, it wasn't that surprising. He had been smoking for over 40 years by that point so it was inevitable perhaps that it would happen. I resent cigarettes for taking my dad away from me. I hate that if I ever have children, that they will only know of their grandfather from the stories I share with them. I hate the fact that during the last years of his life, he was too weak to play board games with me or take me out to eat or do any of those father-son things that were uniquely his (to this day, every time I walk into Subway, I get a smile on my face because that was our place that we used to go for lunch). I don't like the fact that I had to become intimately familiar with the inner workings of hospitals and nursing homes in order to spend time with him. Those last few years of his life, I only saw him a few times because it was just too hard to see him like that. This once proud, mighty man that I had known for all my life was reduced to a shadow of his former self with tubes running all over his body and such. I prefer to remember him healthy although now it has been so long since he was that my memories of him healthy have really started to fade. He just continued to linger for years before finally passing on while I was home for Spring Break during my freshman year of college. At the time, I honestly remember feeling a sense of relief because he was finally out of pain and I would no longer have to make the trek to see him. His memorial service was sparsely attended but was quite powerful and moving and the eulogies delivered did a good job of conveying the spirit of this man who had passed on.

Last summer, my therapist recommended that for Father's Day that year, I write my dad a letter putting everything in it that I needed him to hear that I could never tell him when he was alive. She wanted me to include all the good and the bad, the positive and the negative. It proved to be a truly cathartic experience for me and helped get a lot of my issues with the man out in the open. I hate that I can no longer go to him for advice or talk to him about sports or classic TV shows. I know that he was proud of the person I was then and so I sincerely hope that he would be proud of the person I am now. What bothers me the most is that I will never actually know. Would he still be proud of me and the decisions I have made? Would he accept and love me for the person I have become? Would he agree with the decisions I have made about my life and the consequences that come with those choices? I will never know and that truly saddens me. This bothers me, I want to know. I need to know that he would have accepted and loved me no matter what. I guess I just have to trust that he believed (as does my mom) in the idea that parents love their children unconditionally. That they never give up on their kids and always accept them for who they are. I have to believe that about him because the alternative is just not how I want to think of my father. I choose to remember him as the loving, proud, strong, accepting father which is also how I choose to picture God. I guess now that I think about it, my dad influenced my entire concept of God. Quick to anger but also full of love for his children and pride in their accomplishments. One thing I can say about my dad is that in spite of his faults, he was always there whenever I had a soccer game or an orchestra concert or a play performance and usually he was in one of the front rows much like God. One of the last things he got to do before he died was attend my high school graduation. He was really weak by that point and couldn't really talk anymore but it really meant a lot to me that others made the effort to make sure he was there to see me walk across that stage and get my diploma something he himself had never achieved. Now, he continues to come to all my events even though I can no longer see him. I still feel his presence every time I walk onto a stage or sing in church or give a speech. I can feel his presence near me at those times and that's how I know he's there. Much like God.

I want to ask a favor of all those reading this, if you are lucky enough to still have your father in your life, I want you to just take a minute to first thank God for allowing you to still have that mighty and influential presence in your life. Then, I want you to call or text or Facebook or Skype your Dad right now and let them know how much you love them. Make sure they realize how grateful you are to have them in your life. Maybe even take them to lunch or dinner. Really make that effort because time is too short and life is too precious. Your parents, whether you like it or not, are the most influential and important people in your life and need to be treasured. Believe me, I would give anything to be able to call up my Dad right now and just talk to him on the phone even if we didn't talk about anything important. Even if the entirety of our conversation consisted of him rambling on about the Cowboys and how they are looking this year or how the Rangers are definitely going to win the World Series this year, I would still treasure it. Why? Because when I had those opportunities, I didn't. I realize now, too late unfortunately, that family comes first. Give your Dads a big hug for me next time you see them!!

Retreat to Move Forward!!

So, I just got home from spending the weekend with my housemates and site coordinator at this church camp about 2 hours outside of Chicago. It was time for our vocational discernment retreat. To be honest, I was just looking forward to getting out of the city for a few days. The camp was beautiful and really reminded me a lot of some of the camps back home (Prairie Valley in particular) and we were the only ones there from Thursday afternoon until Friday night so definitely got the special treatment from the staff. The weekend was all about learning to be quiet and listening for the voice of God and discerning God's call for our lives. We watched videos and listened to audio clips of different prominent speakers (Rob Bell, Henri Nouwen & Elizabeth Gilbert) talking about the concept of discernment and learning to accept whatever might be calling you. We did some group exercises and some journaling on the subject and had plenty of free time to play fun games, read, sleep, and just enjoy God's creation. We even took some time to climb a rock wall which was a lot of fun and something that I proved to be quite good at!! Just call me Spider-Man!!

As for the actual sessions and what we discussed, we ended up having some really great discussions about vocation and call and discernment. We discussed the concept that vocation isn't just your job but also can refer to other aspects of your life such as buying a house, getting married and having kids. I hadn't ever really thought about it in those terms but it does make sense. Which is why I am starting to realize that I personally don't feel "called" (as it were) to own my own home, have kids or get married. I realize that this opinion could very well change in a few years but at least for right now, I don't really see myself as having that kind of life. To be quite frank, I am completely ok with that. Marriage and kids are really not that important to me and I would much rather rent than own as I don't like the idea of having a mortgage and all that that entails. Plus, those are all things that can tie a person down and I am just not one of those people. I don't like to be tied down. I want to be able to move every few years and travel when I want to and not have to worry about abandoning my responsibilities or whatever. Having kids or a spouse or owning a home would tie me down in a way that I am just not ready for. Again, I realize that in ten or fifteen years time, I may very well have changed my mind and want that for myself but until then, I see no reason to want it just because other people have it.

That brings me to the next point that we spent some time talking about: the concept of the "American Dream" and "Cinderella Story" and how damaging and destructive those very concepts are to so many people's emotional, financial & physical states. The American Dream perpetuates the myth that if you want to be satisfied and happy in life, then your ultimate goal should be to get married, have kids, buy a house, work, save money, retire and then leave everything to your children so they can do the same thing all over again. What about this notion is appealing to people? It also perpetuates the consumerist ideal that if you have more stuff than everyone else, you will be happy which I hope has been proven to be a false concept. The idea that if your next door neighbors have a new car, then you should go ahead and buy one too to save face is a dangerous and financially stupid move and is one of the many reasons why so many people are in financial trouble right now. The American Dream is an outdated and antiquated notion that frankly has very little to do with the new reality that we face here. It is meant to be something to strive for but instead is often used as a tool to shun and shame people who haven't achieved all of those milestones. People who don't want or can't achieve all those goals are meant to feel like there is something wrong with them because they are not achieving the American Dream. It leads to conformity which I'm pretty sure is not an American ideal, right? We're supposed to be a salad, not a melting pot.

As for "Cinderella Story", that notion perpetuates the myth of happily ever after. It promotes the idea that all you have to do is wait for a man to come sweep you off your mind and then the hard part is over. You never actually see or hear anything about what happens after Cinderella and Prince Charming marry. Marriage requires a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice and stories like these never even mention that. Women are led to believe that all they have to do is meet a guy and all their worries are over and their problems will be solved. Anybody want to back me up here and say that that is simply not the case?!? Also, has anyone ever noticed that it's always two white, opposite gender people in all these stories and they are always attractive?? That does not by any means represent the America that we live in nowadays. Yet, we still cling to these stories and tell them to our children and plant these seeds in their heads that can lead to heartache and disappointment when they get to the age of 50 and still haven't found their Prince Charming or found him but then discovered he was having an affair with the baby sitter.

We also discussed the concept of failure and what you do if you end up failing at whatever you are being called to do. That doesn't mean that your entire journey is invalid or that you made a mistake. It just means you have to shake off the fear of failure and keep going no matter what. It's very possible that something you think is quite brilliant will be absolutely loathed by everyone else and also possible that something you hate will be the accomplishment that brings you the most acclaim. Both are valid constructs so I need to learn how not to be afraid of failure. That's something that I struggle with quite frequently. I worry that I will go to seminary and then either fail out or finish but not find a call. Yet, I can't let my fear of failure keep me from doing something that I really feel an intense desire to do.

I don't mean to get political or go off on a rant here in this space but these were topics that we discussed and debated at length so I thought I would share. The weekend was also filled with us getting to know each other better and included my first ever time to try Steak n Shake!! For the record, I loved it and want to go back!! Also, had the opportunity to teach my housemates energizers because for some reason, several of them had never done them before which is just unfathomable and almost broke my little Presbyterian heart. So, of course, I had to take some time to teach them which brought back way too many memories of college!!

In the end, it proved to be a great weekend and very eye-opening on so many levels. It mainly was nice to just get away from the city and the hustle and bustle and stress of it all and enjoy some time in God's creation. Sometimes, all you really need is some time at camp to help ease your burdens and relieve your stress!!

I'm Not Gonna Lie!!

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I sometimes really miss living by myself.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I'm starting to feel really drained by being here.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I'm getting really frustrated and angry with God more than I should be.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I really wish I were in Texas or New York this weekend, especially Sunday!

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . Living in intentional Christian community is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I am kinda ready for August 12th to hurry up and get here.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I'm ready for Spring

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . Life here is so much tougher than I ever imagined.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I really wish I had heard back from Seminaries by now.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . It's really hard for me to constantly be "on" and never have time to be "off".

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I've been kinda depressed the last couple days for no apparent reason.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . This year is not at all what I signed up for.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . My Type A personality is really struggling.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I still don't feel entirely safe when walking down the street.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I really wish I had more money.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I'm still glad I did this even though I question my decision all the time.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . Deciding to be a YAV was the best decision I have ever made.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I'm starting to wonder if I am misinterpreting God in some way.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . Yoga has helped so much with my outlook on life.

I'm Not Gonna Lie . . . I really love Chicago, even if I am not planning to stay here!!

Halfway There!!

Well, folks, today officially marks the halfway point of my time here in Chicago. Six months from today, I will be on a plane headed back to Texas and while I don't yet know how long I will be at home, the fact remains that I will be back for an as yet undetermined length of time. As I reflect on this fact, it shocks me to think that I am just six months away from returning to my old life. I will come back a changed person, though, that's for sure. I just hope I am able to maintain the changes even after I return home. I worry that I will slip right back into being the same person that I was before I left. Not saying that I was a bad person or anything, just that the person I have become since I left is so much better and I would hate to see all the progress I have made be erased.

I've grown to really love Chicago. However, I have also realized within the last few weeks that as much as I love it, it's not really my city. I can't really put my finger on why I feel that way but I just personally feel like this city isn't the right one for me and that I can't thrive here. It's an important revelation to have and indicates that I definitely need to look at other cities to relocate to when my time here is done. I had really hoped that Chicago would be the place for me and I am sad to realize that it is not. Like I stated earlier, I can't really put my finger on why just that it has become clear to me that this place and these people will never truly be mine. I need to find my own space and my own sense of direction. Chicago has been a blessing to me in so many ways and I don't for one second regret coming here. It helped me grow and change in so many fundamental and important ways and so for that alone, I am grateful to this city. However, I'm not meant to settle here and I know that now. I'm glad I had this experience and I will always look back on it fondly but when push comes to shove, I'm gonna be ready to say goodbye August 12th because I will know that I am meant to be thriving someplace else.

This doesn't in any way mean that I am counting down the days I have left or am anxiously awaiting my last day. No, far from it in fact. I am definitely not ready to say goodbye to this city or the friends I have made here. I plan to enjoy every minute of the second half of my journey and have no intention of looking at it in a negative light. Just that I am able to recognize that my time here is meant to be temporary and that I am not putting down roots here. It pains me to say that as I had really hoped to make Chicago my new home and everything but that just means that God has something else in mind for me. Maybe I'm too young to "settle down" as it were. I guess I need to travel and live other places before I can say for sure where I am supposed to land. I've always had wanderlust so that could be a big factor in my decision.

So, in conclusion, I guess you could say that I am once again a man without a country, as it were. No place to call home anymore and no idea what comes next. Here's hoping that over the next six months, God will help me find where I should head next regardless of whether or not that new place becomes home for me. I've made peace with this decision and have accepted that Chicago and I aren't meant to become permanent partners but rather just a temporary fling on my journey through life. Here's hoping wherever I land next will be somewhat closer to what I am looking for. Until then, here's hoping the next six months go smoothly and I can leave Chicago with a clear conscience and no regrets.

Sick Days and Snow Days

Hello, everyone. I haven't really felt compelled to blog the last few weeks so that's why I haven't. It gets harder and harder for me to find topics to blog about as I get further and further into my year. Today, I want to talk about what's been going on in my world for the last few days.

You may have heard on the news but Chicago has just experienced its worst snowstorm in over 40 years. The blizzard arrived Tuesday afternoon and so far has managed to drop 20 inches of snow on the ground, causing the city to experience massive closures and delays all over the place. Chicago Public Schools were closed for the first time in 12 years and many motorists found themselves stranded on the highway for hours on end. Meanwhile, as for us YAVS, we have found ourselves with something unexpected: snow days!! Definitely never thought that I would ever get a snow day up here but so far I have had two and it's very odd as it has been so long since I have had one that I have kinda forgotten what one does on a snow day. We are all starting to suffer from cabin fever, though, as too much time cooped up indoors will do that to a person. All in all, it's been an unexpected treat but I think we are all ready to get back to work just so we have an excuse to get out of the house.

I, however, have been cooped up in the house for reasons unrelated to the weather. Sometime last weekend, I seem to have caught the flu bug and woke up Monday morning feeling miserable so have spent the last three days in bed literally only getting up to go to the bathroom. I am just now starting to feel better finally and am ready to go back to work tomorrow night. I'm glad for the snow days because they meant I didn't have to call in sick too much. We get unlimited sick days which is nice but anyone who knows me knows that I loathe calling in sick or taking sick days and so this marked the first time in three years that I actually did it. Fortunately, right after I did it the storm hit so the past two days have been snow days and now I feel well enough that I shouldn't have to call in sick anymore. I've never liked being sick as I don't like the general feeling of helplessness that it entails and the amount of time you have to spend in bed doing nothing bothers me. Once again, my Type A personality just doesn't gibe with being sick and especially considering that this marked the first time in over a year that I had actually gotten sick, it meant that I have spent the last few days feeling absolutely miserable. I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to finally be feeling a little better. At least if I had to get sick, it was during the Snowpocalypse so I didn't have to feel as guilty about missing work and having other people take on my responsibilities. That much, at least, is a blessing.

Without a doubt, this has been one of the hardest weeks I have had here so far. Fighting off the flu while watching the city you've grown to love completely shut down has definitely been difficult. It's like God is trying to test my patience and seeing just how many different things he can throw at me all at once. I hope I passed his test. This week really tested my resolve as thanks to the weather (and our less than adequate insurance) I couldn't get out of the house to go see a doctor so had to rely on some old-fashioned remedies to cure myself. I do hope that this is the last time that I will get sick between now and August. I don't think I could handle another bout. It will be a few days until both the City and myself fully recover but once we do, just watch out!!