Sunshine and Summertime!!

Hello friends,
It's summer vacation!! That might explain my lack of posting on here. To be honest, there just hasn't really been that much to write about. Life around here is pretty laid back and not too exciting therefore there hasn't really been a need or a desire to post about it.
  I've basically been working all day and then in the evenings, I sit in front of my computer and watch TV all night until I get tired and then I go upstairs to my bedroom and read a book until I fall asleep. Occasionally, I might hang out with my friends but mostly, its been just me doing my own thing. We have been having weekly potlucks which have been a lot of fun and some weeks is about the only social interaction that I get. My job is nothing too exciting, just data entry stuff. I like it though because I have autonomy. I get to set my own hours and don't really have a supervisor so I can do my own thing as long as I get my projects done. I am working on this big project right now that I am starting to finish which is a huge accomplishment. I am so ready to move on to another project as this one has been very dry and unexciting. Can't complain too much though as it is a paycheck which is all I ask for. I've even been asked if I want to keep doing it over the next school year which means that this fall, I will have at least 3 jobs while going to school full-time. It's like college, senior year, all over again!!
The weather here has been absolutely perfect. 70s and 80s during the day with a cool breeze at night. Just absolutely gorgeous. It has rained maybe once so far this entire summer and I am told that rain in the summer here is extremely rare which is just fine with me. I've realized that for me, it is important that I try and keep my calendar as free as possible during the summer so I am trying my best to not really make any plans. If other people make plans and choose to invite me, then I will try and show up but otherwise, I am enjoying my stress-free, relaxed, summer. Just me and my laptop watching lots and lots of TV! Finally have time to get caught up on all the shows that I didn't have time to watch during the school year!! I hate it when school gets in the way of my other priorities!!I do have a trip to the beach planned and I have a standing date to go sailing on my friends' boat sometime soon. Plus, I leave next week for my 3 weeks of traveling. Then, I get back and start my Greek intensive class. Mostly, though, I am just working, relaxing and reading. Not a bad way to spend a summer if you ask me! Hope everyone has been well and that your summers are just as relaxing as mine. Best wishes!!

School's Out (For Summer)!!

  Well, as of yesterday, I have officially finished my first year of seminary! Yay! This was a really rough, really exhausting and really difficult semester so I am very glad to be done with it. It's also weird as now I have to find ways to fill my time. This weekend is Baccalaureate and Graduation so it probably won't really hit me until Monday morning that school is officially over with. With it being such a tiny school, I know quite a few of the seniors so seeing them graduate tomorrow is going to be tough. I've gotten really close with several of them so it will be hard to say goodbye to them and watch them walk across that stage. Life goes on, though, or so they say, and as the song says, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
  As for what my summer looks like,  nothing too exciting will be happening in my world. A few months ago, I got a part time job on campus and so during the summer I will be doing that full time. My job consists of development work and database management which is what I did for four years in college so nothing too strenuous or new. I actually really enjoy fundraising and just in the short time that I have been doing it, both our alumni participation rate and the amount of money we have raised has gone up so I must be doing something right. Other than that, my summer shall be pretty easy going and not too stressful. Quite a few of my classmates are going to be here over the summer so we have already started planning different activities we want to do while we are here. Should be quite an adventure. I've also got several non-seminary friends that live in the area that I am hoping to spend more time with over the summer plus I've got my extended family nearby that I would like to see at least a few days this summer. So, yeah, I don't think I will get too bored but if I do, there is always a new book to read or a new TV show to discover, right?!
 I will also be traveling a good bit this summer as well. I am spending a week in Connecticut attending an International Conference. I received a scholarship to attend it and I am really looking forward to it. I go straight from that conference to attend the General Assembly of the PC(USA) in Pittsburgh, PA for a week. I will be serving as one of their Student Assistants for the week which is basically their pages. I'm really excited as GA is such a huge deal in the denomination and I haven't been to it in six years so I am really looking forward to being back at it. I will leave straight from there to head down to Texas. I'm on the planning team for the Junior High Conference at MO-Ranch so will be there for the second week of the conference. MO-Ranch is one of my absolute favorite places on Earth so I am beyond excited to get to return to it after a two year absence. I won't have a chance to make a trip home while I am in Texas so D-town residents will just have to wait until later in the year to see me. Sorry folks but I have to leave as soon as the conference ends and head back to California as I start my intensive Greek class the next Monday. For six weeks, I will be in Berkeley 3 hours a day five days a week learning Greek. After six weeks, I will have completed two entire semesters of Greek and then it shall be almost time to start fall semester.
  So yeah, needless to say it is going to be a very busy but very good summer. I am so looking forward to it. Lots of traveling scheduled but also lots of relaxation time. I've also got a long weekend trip planned to Georgia for a retreat. Good thing I love to travel so much as I will certainly be racking up the miles this summer!! For now, though, I'm content to sit in front of my computer and watch some TV. I'm so glad I get to spend the summer here in California. Texas summer is just too hot and miserable and I really wasn't looking forward to it at all. I think this summer has the potential to be the best summer ever. That would be just what I need after the long, long, tiring semester that I just finished. After what I just endured, I deserve a vacation (or a nap!!)

I'm No Superman

Ok, so sometimes writing this blog can seem tedious. Other times, it can seem like I am being too personal. The following post is going to be one of those times. This blog is meant to be my catharsis and as such I sometimes use it to get out my feelings. That can be hard for me in a lot of cases so bear with me here as I "pour my heart out" and get across what I am feeling.

I've written on here before about how I am a Type A who likes to stay busy and keep myself active. I've also written briefly about how this has been a rough semester for me. I think I've finally been able to pin down what about this semester has been so rough.

Simply put, and this next part might shock you as it did me, I have been too busy. I know, I don't think I have ever actually uttered those words in my life before now. It's true, though. I have learned that even I can take on too much and this semester has been a perfect example of that. I've realized that I have what many call a "savior complex" meaning that I always have to take on everything and save everybody else because who else is going to do it if I don't? This is also why I have a hard time saying no to people, including myself. Therefore, when it came time to register for classes I told myself that I could handle taking 19 units and still have a social life and do everything else that I like to do.

Well, simply put, that hasn't been the case. While I am staying afloat in my classes and haven't fallen behind, I am also feeling so completely drained at the end of every week. I feel like I have no time for anything but homework. My social life has been almost non-existant and don't even get me started on how little TV I've managed to watch this semester.

I have realized that I haven't been able to make time for the things that nurture my spirit: yoga, playing the guitar, reading for pleasure, TV shows, spending time with friends. All of those activities have been minimal if at all this semester. I've learned my lesson.

What I have learned is that while yes, I can indeed do everything and handle so many things at once, I've realized that I don't actually want to do that anymore. I miss spending time outside of class just relaxing or taking a hike. I miss just watching TV or reading a book. I miss learning to play the guitar or doing yoga. I haven't really had time to do any of those things this semester and that is what has led to it being a rough semester.

I think what I am trying to make clear here is that, quite frankly, I'm worn out. I'm tired of being the over-achiever. I'm sick of always having to feel like I have to stay constantly busy and engaged in order to be happy. Can I do it? Yes, but I don't really want to anymore. I'm at the point where I am kinda craving boredom, if you can believe that. Perhaps it's time for Superman to hang up his cape and retire from being a superhero. Maybe it's time that I acknowledge that I really don't want to do it all anymore.

Registration for Fall Semester starts in a couple weeks and I am going to promise myself not to take on too many classes. I need to remember that 4 (5 at most) is a pretty good load, especially here. I think that way I will be able to fully engage with the material and actually grasp it, which is something that hasn't really happened to me yet this semester.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit this publicly (or as public as this blog could be). It's hard to admit that you don't want to do it all anymore. It's hard to confess such a thing and be held accountable for it. Now, the problem is: If I'm no longer everybody's hero or savior, then what am I? What role do I serve then if I'm not serving in the only role I've ever had? Where do I fit in the picture now? Even better question: how do I get to the point where I feel like I can say no to someone, including myself? What needs to happen internally for me to have the self-confidence to say "I'm sorry I can't" or "I'm sorry, I wont"?

Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be admitting that I can't/won't do it all. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I'm really going to spend some time discerning what this means as far as my future, especially the next year. As I've gotten more involved here at school, a lot of opportunities have fallen into my lap that I might need to re-evaluate and decide what I feel like I can honestly give myself fully to this next year. This may mean I choose not to be involved in something or not to apply for something that I really want to do. However, while the resume padding is great, what's more important is that I be able to be fully present and fully there and be able to give myself completely to everything. If I am unable to do that, then I need to say no regardless of how good an opportunity it might be for me. I'm putting myself first. What a concept!!

Long Time Gone

Well, folks, I apologize for my long absence from this here blog but if you knew how busy my life was this semester you would totally understand. The next time I announce that I want to take 19 units, somebody please stop me!!

No, seriously, folks. Classes are really going well but I feel like I am always busy. Yes, I know that I like to say that I like staying busy but sometimes I wonder if I took on too much. I think next semester, I'm going to make some significant changes so that I don't end up this busy and completely drained all the time. While I really like my classes (most of them anyways) I just always feel so drained and am so ready for the weekend to get here.

Anyway, I'm over halfway done with the Spring Semester. Spring Break starts next week and I am so looking forward to having that break for a few days. I really need it. I need to give my brain some time off and just relax and enjoy myself for a few days.

I've had a good semester so far. I went to Kentucky a few weekends ago for a meeting and got the chance to hang out with some of my YAV friends while I was in town. It felt really good to get away for a few days, even if it was to Kentucky. I narrowly avoided a tornado and a snowstorm and made lots of new friends. All in all, it was a good trip even though it took me forever to recover from it.

Other than that, not much to report on this front. I am going to try and be better about blogging as I know how important it is to my loyal readers. At some point, I do want to open this space up to talk about issues that have become important to me here at school. I want to be able to share my opinions about things on here. I will try and do that again. I know I've done that in the past. I will bring it back, I promise. For now, though, I thought it was imperative to let you all know that I am still alive and enjoying myself. Spring Break is so close and I am so ready!! Hope you all have been well. More later!!

Time Goes By So Slowly

Hello, friends. Just to give everybody a quick update.

Spring Semester starts tomorrow and I am anxiously awaiting the start of another semester of classes. I'm really looking forward to the next batch of classes I'm taking and so am eager to get started on that front.

My Hebrew intensive class ended on Thursday and I am happy to announce that it went really well as I ended up making an A+ in it. I am so proud of myself and that A was well-earned, believe me. Just the shot of confidence I needed and gives me hope that this next semester will go exceedingly well for me. I enjoyed studying Hebrew but am also glad to be done with it. I'm considering taking some intermediate level classes but not for another year or so. For now, I am proud to be a survivor of a six-hour a day, 5 days a week class. You wanna talk about a grind, that was a grind.

Anyway, since class ended on Thursday, I've found myself with an unexpected but very welcome empty schedule. These last three days have been very peaceful and slow as I have had no homework to do, no tests to study for, no papers to write and it has just been really nice to have a slow-down before the onslaught of Spring Semester starts. I did some volunteering on Friday night with the local homeless shelter and I plan to make that more of a priority this next semester as it is so important to me and my ministry. I went into San Francisco on Saturday with a classmate and we had such a great day walking around the city and having a picnic and getting coffee. We even took in a movie (My Week with Marilyn: fabulous and a must See!!) and got our haircut. I now have a great new look to start the new semester with!! All in all, its been a great weekend and I now feel rested and relaxed and ready to start the Spring Semester.

Here's my class schedule for the next three months for those who are interested in knowing all those kind of details:

Old Testament Exegesis - Monday, Thursday 8:30 - 10

Systematic Theology I - Monday, Thursday 10:20 - 11:50

Intro to Ministry II - Monday 1:30 - 4:30

Seminary Singers - Monday 5:15 - 6:45

Sexuality and Pastoral Care - Tuesday 2 - 5

Old Testament Prophets - Thursday 2 - 5

Plus, I'm doing an online class focusing on Japanese Religions. So, ya, too much? Well, only time will tell. I only have class three days a week which is nice and makes up for the fact that I have way too many classes. I sure am looking forward to them all, I can tell you that.

I hope everyone has been having a great month. I know I sure have. I've gotten back into doing my yoga and have been working out every day plus learning to play the guitar, learning how to read treble clef and even taking time to read for pleasure!! Busy month, you bet so and I wouldn't have had it any other way! Here's hoping I can keep these habits up with the dawn of an extremely busy semester. Playing guitar is a life-long dream of mine and so I intend to keep at that one. Just think, someday, I could finally accomplish my dream of becoming a country singer!! Taylor Swift, eat your heart out!!

In all seriousness, I am going to close this off for tonight. Here's hoping everyone has been having a great month and may it continue to be that way. 2012 is shaping up to be my best year yet and I sure hope it continues!

One Orc at a Time

Hello all,

Just wanted to give everyone a heads-up that I am indeed still alive and safely back at school. The month of January here is pretty busy as I am enrolled in an intensive, three-week Hebrew study in which we spend 6 hours a day five days a week in Hebrew class. It's intended to get us through the entire second semester of Hebrew in three weeks so needless to say, it's super intense. Spending six hours a day in class is not the easiest, let me tell you. Fortunately, at least for me the language is proving to not be that big a challenge and I have found myself doing really well on everything so far and managing to keep up with the class assignments. The coolest part is that we have actually started reading passages out of the Hebrew Bible and translating them into English. It's really awesome that we are already able to do that. It's been really neat to read the Bible in its original language as we then spend time discussing why various versions translate certain words the way they do. It's also been interesting to see how the original Hebrew is not always the most precise or cleaned up. The original Hebrew can be very hard to follow and at times very frustrating to try and translate. It's been a good exercise though and the original reason why I wanted to take the language.

After spending six hours in class, you can imagine that I am not really doing much else. My brain is so dead by the time I get done that all I can do the rest of the day is just hang out in my bed and watch a movie or something. While I personally enjoy learning a language in an intensive setting like this, I also acknowledge that it can be very draining. I can only imagine what some of my classmates are feeling right about now. I tend to pick up languages pretty easily so I'm managing just fine but I really feel for those people in my class who have a more difficult time learning them. The intensive language setting is not the best setting for everyone so I really do understand their concerns there. I personally prefer it because of how my brain works but I can see how others would not enjoy it as much. Plus, I like the fact that it's my only class right now so I can focus all of my time on Hebrew unlike last semester where I had to devote time to my other classes as well so Hebrew sometimes got pushed aside. Being able to focus on one class is nice for a change. Personally, I think we are going a little bit slower than I would like but as I've said since the beginning, if going slow means I make an A, then I will gladly take going slow!!

As for everything else, it's been going well. Christmas was okay but I was so ready to get back to school and my friends here. One thing that being back in Texas made me realize was just how few friends I really have there anymore. I spent most of my time there being really bored as I have so few friends around anymore. I did manage to see some people but for the most part, I was at home by myself watching three or four movies a day!! Don't get me wrong, it was nice to have some lazy days on the couch but it would have been nice to have seen more people and have had more plans. Oh well, maybe the next time I come back (although I don't know when that will be as I don't have any trips scheduled anytime soon).

The main thing I've been struggling with since being back is trying to rein in my inner competitiveness/overachieving perfectionist tendencies. I made really good grades last semester (some of the best I've ever made in my entire academic career) yet I'm having trouble being proud of them because I know a) that I could have done better and b(that so many of my classmates did do better than me so I find myself in a real quandary here. How do I appreciate what I have (some outstanding grades and a really great GPA, especially for my first semester of graduate school) without being upset with myself for not doing as well as other people? This is something I've really been wrestling with and haven't really figured out yet. I guess I just need to pray for some guidance and some inner peace. I did achieve my goal of making at least a 3.0 GPA and I didn't flunk out so in that sense, I'm a success. Why, then, do I feel like the "village idiot"? Why can't I be happy for myself and be proud of myself for how I did? There are times when my competitiveness/perfectionism can be a huge asset but this is not one of those times. What is preventing me from being happy for myself? Something I think I'm really going to need to work on. I need to start accepting the fact that there will always be someone better than me at everything I do but that doesn't mean that I didn't do my best. There is absolutely no reason why I can't be appreciative for others along with myself.

Anyway, I will close this off. I don't have class tomorrow since it's a holiday but since I have a mid-term on Tuesday, I will be spending tomorrow studying as I am determined to make an A in Hebrew this term!! Our professor is great, at least, and keeps class interesting and fun. She's also a big Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings nerd so we get along just fine because of that. She constantly makes Potter or Rings references in class and I can't help but nod along and smile and then wonder about the people who aren't getting those references. Her best advice to us this entire semester in regards to Hebrew is "just take it one Orc at a time". I think that's pretty good advice for life actually so that's what I am going to leave you with today. "Take it one orc at a time."

How Do You Measure A Year in the Life?

Well, folks. We have reached the end of another year. Today marks the last day of the year 2011 and tomorrow starts the beginning of another year, 2012. I'm actually a little sad to see this year end. 2011 was a very good year for me as loyal readers of this blog will be aware. Granted, it did have some severe downs and some times when I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through but somehow I did. Now, here I am at the end of another year looking forward to starting the New Year off right.

In the last year, I've moved three times: from Chicago to Texas to California. I'm really tired of moving and so am hopeful that I am done moving for the foreseeable future (or at least the next three years or so!!).

In the last year, I've traveled on an airplane more times than I care to even think about. Never intended to fly as much as I did this year and hopefully I won't be flying nearly as much this next year. I love to travel but flying really wears me out.

In the last year, I've continued the process of taking better care of myself and being more aware of my body's needs. While this hasn't always given me the results I've wanted, I am hopeful to continue this good habit throughout 2012.

In the last year, I've become better aware of who I am and who I want to become. I've come to grips with the fact that my imperfections (such as they are) make me me and me is pretty fantastic. I've accepted myself as who I am and I've learned to love myself just as I am.

In the last year, I've come to see who my real friends are. I've discovered that there are plenty of people in my life who will always be there for me no matter what. I've also discovered that there are others who might claim to be my friend but really when all is said and done, I'm more of an acquaintance. I can't really elaborate on this any further than I have as it is something I need to work out more in 2012.

In the last year, I've had my calling affirmed by myself, God and others. I finally feel like I have a sense of purpose and direction in life and that where I am going in life is someplace important. I feel now that I might actually make a difference in this world someday.

In the last year, I've become more comfortable with being able to say that I am a Christian. This is one that I really had struggled with a lot in the past. I was so afraid as being labeled as a Christian because of how Christians tend to be perceived by outsiders. However, I've realized that it becomes vital for people to know that I am a Christian because it will hopefully open their eyes to see a different perspective on Christianity. We're not all bad, really??!!

In the last year, I have been exposed to different ways of reading and interpreting the Bible. This has really helped me a lot with the issues I've had with the Bible over the years. I've been better able to see it and read it in a new light; one that is more palatable and easier to handle.

In the last year, I have learned the power of forgiveness. I've also learned that just because you forgive somebody doesn't necessarily mean you ever want to see them again. It simply means that you are no longer going to allow them to take up space in your heart. Forgiveness is a very healing and important process although it is never easy. I've been able to let go of all the hurt and anguish and bitterness that I had held onto for far too long although, like I said earlier, that doesn't necessarily mean that I have any desire to see certain people ever again. Just that I'm no longer going to allow them to dominate my life and my thoughts anymore.

I think that about covers everything I learned this year. It was a year full of incredible highs and extreme lows. I dealt with some of the most depressing things imaginable this year but also experienced great beauty, love and grace. All in all, I think 2011 was one of the best years I've had yet. Bring it on, 2012. Bring it on!!