"Hope is Not a Noun"

Here is the sermon that I preached today at my church, Sausalito Presbyterian Church. This was my first time to preach a full-length sermon to a congregation. I got great feedback and people seemed to really like what I had to say. So, I share it with you in the hopes that you too will get something out of it. Scripture text is Romans 5: 1 - 5.  

What does the word “hope” mean? It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot in our culture but I wonder if any of us really are aware of what that word actually means. Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “hope” as “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”. Hope is a noun as when we say, “I really hope I get an job” or “I hope my dad recovers from his accident.” Yes, hope is a noun.
However, in the Greek language, hope was actually personified. Elpis, the Greek word for hope, was actually the name of a Greek personification and spirit of hope. She was usually portrayed as a young woman with flowers in her hair. She and her fellow spirits were kept locked in a box that was entrusted to Pandora’s keeping. However, as many of us know, Pandora became curious and opened the box thus unleashing all sorts of evil spirits upon the earth. Famine, death, disease, envy, greed etc. were all unleashed upon the earth because of her curiosity. The only spirit that did not escape, though, was hope. She remained in the box and it was her duty to comfort humankind from the ravages of the evil spirits.
In this passage from scripture, we hear the following: suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. I am reminded of the words of Jedi Master Yoda in the Star Wars movies: (secret confession time: I’m a huge Star Wars nerd so please indulge me!). Yoda says: “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” This scripture text sounds almost like it is coming directly after that. As if Paul was channeling Yoda in his writing of this Scripture. Either that or George Lucas is a secret fan of Paul!
Anyway, I’m struck most by this idea that suffering produces endurance. Really, Paul? Really!? Suffering produces endurance. That almost sounds like an insult to all those who have suffered or are suffering. Tell that to the mom with cancer. Tell that to the Ugandan child who is living in poverty and will never receive a proper education. Tell that to the 13 year old growing up in conservative Texas who gets beat up every single day because he is gay. Yeah, I think it is safe to say that if we actually said this phrase to someone who is actually suffering, we might not ever be asked to provide pastoral care to them again. It’s certainly not the most pastoral approach. It’s like the saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” While this may prove to be true most of the time, it’s not exactly something that I would say to someone while they are in the midst of suffering.
But go on further and you read that endurance produces character. Well, I think we can say that that one is certainly true. I think it’s fair to say that what we have endured has helped make us who we are. During my teenage years, I was unfortunate enough to live in a very hostile and abusive living environment. I won’t name names but I had a member of the family who would constantly put me down and verbally and emotionally abuse me. This was on top of the bullying and abuse I was experiencing at school so it was a non-stop onslaught both day and night. Teenagers, if you didn’t already know, are very susceptible to the words they hear and how adults in their life treat them. Because of this, I came to believe what was being said about me. Maybe I really was ugly and anorexic and stupid and not worthy of being accepted or loved. I don’t think I need to say that things got to a very bad place for me.
Yet, I am able to look back on that period in my life now as a period of growth. Yes, things were really terrible for me back then and I felt like I had nowhere to turn but with the passage of time and more than a few hours of therapy I’ve been able to see that those years helped make me who I am today. To be honest, they’re really what led me to the ministry. For all those who endure, when we get through it, we look back and realize that the scars have become our character and have made us who we are. Those tough times are hard, that’s certain. However, they also make us stronger people. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” as the song says.
Character produces hope. This is how Paul chooses to end his maxim. The idea that character produces hope. What does he mean here, though? What is Paul trying to convey through this phrase? Hope for what? Does he mean that those who lack character also lack hope? Again, not the best pastoral care advice. I can only imagine what would happen if I were to tell a congregant that they had no character and thus no hope. I don’t think that conversation would go over very well. Indeed, it smacks of downright arrogance. I think what Paul was perhaps trying to suggest here is that it is our collective experiences that make up our character and it is our character that produces hope.
Hope does not disappoint us. Now this statement I can fully support. Hope is what keeps our fire burning. Much like Pandora’s box, it is many times the only thing we have to cling to in a world that seems to be spinning out of control. A world where we think access to guns is a right but access to healthcare is a privilege. A world where we spend more money on fighting terrorism than we do on fighting poverty. A world where teenagers are bullied mercilessly and their tormentors are given a free pass rather than being disciplined. We cling to hope: hope that the idolatry and worship of guns will end; hope that we will someday see that poverty is the real terrorism; hope that a young, closeted teenager may one day have the courage to stand up and speak his truth from the pulpit. Yes, hope is what we rely on when everything else seems to have failed us.
Ok, so hope is a noun as I stated earlier. Yet, is hope just a noun? One of my favorite t-shirts is a shirt I got during my senior year of college. The back of it has a  quote that says, “Hope is not a noun. Hope is a movement.” The quote isn’t attributed to anybody and I have searched for years to find out who originally said this but to no avail. I think it is one of the most profound statements I have ever read and it has become one of my life mottoes. “Hope is not a noun. Hope is a movement.” What would our world look like if we actually embodied this statement. It would look like people throwing away their guns and committing to non-violence. It would look like Congress approving a budget that not only completely eliminates poverty but also invests zero dollars into the war effort. It would look like a young, bullied teenager standing in front of a congregation and preaching the Gospel. That’s the kind of movement that hope can be. That’s the kind of movement that hope needs to be. A movement that not only provides hope but depends on it. This isn’t just about clinging to hope. It’s about saying that hope is the impetus for change. Hope does not disappoint us. It invigorates us. It charges us. It motivates us. Hope is the fire in our bellies that encourages us to work for justice. To march for marriage equality. To invest in people, not buildings. To worship God, not guns.
We boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. We work for change. We work to make others see that God is at work in our world, every single day. Our hope moves us forward. Our hope drives us on. Our hope compels us to share with each other the wonder and the glory of Jesus and God, our Creator. So, back to my original question: What is hope? Hope is you and me working together to bring about an end to violence. Hope is the disaster relief people in Oklahoma. Hope is our school systems taking a zero-tolerance approach to bullying and other forms of abuse. Hope is a formerly abused, scared teenager growing into a confident young man preaching about hope from the pulpit. Hope is not a noun, hope is a movement.

Back in Black

Hello folks,
     I am terrible about keeping up with this thing. My apologies. Anyway, spring semester started last week and so far, things are going rather well. Classes haven't gotten too challenging yet and I have gotten back into a groove that I think will allow me plenty of time to get all my classwork done plus do the other things I like to do. I've even gotten back into yoga after taking last semester off from doing it. Right now, I've only been able to go one day a week but I'm hoping to be able to do it two days a week pretty soon. Otherwise, things are going great for me.
     January was spent mostly off except for the week I was in Kentucky taking a class at the Presbyterian headquarters. The class was about introducing us to the six different mission agencies of the denomination and how we can better get our seminaries, churches and presbyteries more involved with the work they do. It was a really great experience and I met some great people. Of course, I also got to spend the week with my old Chicago housemates which was just the icing on the cake. It was so great to see them all again. We had a really fun time reconnecting and hanging out again and it was just the vacation that I needed. The rest of the month was fairly uneventful as it consisted of me watching movies and working at my other job full-time during the week. Not much to write home about there. Now that classes are back in session, though, I feel much more with it. January is a pretty dead time around here which can make things more difficult for us Type A personalities! Now, however, things are back to normal aka busy!! Just how I like it!
     I also wanted to take a second and talk about how things are going for me personally. I made some major life changes recently and I just wanted to take a minute to talk about them. Starting with the first of the year, I made a vow to myself to start the new year off right. I realized that I was spending too much time and energy on things that weren't bringing me happiness and joy but instead were bringing me grief and pain. To that end, I vowed to cut back on my meat consumption. I'm now what is referred to as a "flexitarian" meaning I am only eating meat a certain number of days per week (in my case, 3). The other four days of the week, I am strictly vegetarian with no meat in my diet at all. While at first this proved to be tough and I found myself eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and grilled cheeses, it has gotten easier as the weeks have progressed. I'm able to still find ways to make sure I have plenty of protein while also making sure that what I eat is delicious and tasty. I'm also now aware of what kinds of meat I eat and am trying my best to only eat meat that has been treated and/or killed humanely. This is harder than you might think and I am still working on it but I have made significant improvements to my diet without suffering any ill effects from it. Eventually, this may lead to full-on vegetarianism but that hasn't happened yet. For right now, I've made the right decision for myself. The other big change that I've made is that I've completely disabled all of my online dating profiles. While I think online dating is a great thing and I have plenty of friends who have met their special person through it, for me, it just wasn't working. It wasn't contributing anything positive to my life and I found that I was spending more time with it than is healthy. I guess that means that I've technically taken myself out of the dating pool. That's ok. To be honest, I'm not real sure that that is something that I want to get myself entangled with anyway, at least right now. I'm actually in a really healthy place in my life right now and while it would be great to share that with someone else, maybe that's not the right thing for me right now. I'm perfectly happy being single and I'm also content being single. I don't need another person in my life right now. If that other person just happens to come along, then great. I'm certainly not going to fight it but for right now, I'm a whole person without that. I don't need to go looking for it and get my heart broken over and over. I'm done with that. I'm tired of going on dates and all the conversation and the pain when they say that they "just didn't feel the connection". I'm tired of being told that I'm a nice guy but they "just like me as a friend." I'm tired of constantly feeling rejected and unwanted. I'm just tired. I'm done. If someone wants to be with me, let them be the pursuer. I've done all the chasing I'm going to do. I'm focusing on me.
    Lastly, I've been trying to take at least one day per month (usually Saturdays) to spend some time in silence and contemplation. This is a time when I step away from my computer and my phone and just allow myself some time to read, pray, write or whatever else strikes my mood. I've never been very good at being contemplative so this is a real stretch for me but it's also something that I want to become better at. I may eventually stretch it into one day per week but for right now, I think once a month is pretty good for me. Only giving myself three hours because that seems to be a good amount of time to spend on this, especially for me.
   Anyway, I know this blog was pretty lengthy but I figured since it had been a while since people had heard from that you might want to know what is going on in my life. That's all I have to report for now. I will do my best to get back into blogging on a more regular basis but no promises about that. I want to conclude by letting you all know my class schedule for this semester. It's pretty light and represents the least number of units I have ever taken in my life. Here it is:
New Testament Exegesis - M/Th 8:30 to 10 AM
Hebrew Reading - M 6 PM
Gospels & Acts - T 9 to 11:50 AM
Preaching - TH 2 to 5 PM
Plus, a class on the Reformed Confessions which mostly meets online. That's all, folks!!

The Night Before Christmas

Christmas is almost here. In just a few short hours, we will enter into the period of Christmas where the Christ child has been born and delivered. Let's think about that for a minute. A little baby, born in a manger among oxen and sheep, will become Jesus Christ, a leader of all humanity. Everything about that story is simply humbling and miraculous. We often forget or intentionally ignore these aspects of the story. Jesus could have come as a mighty monarch or a powerful dictator but instead, Jesus came as a tiny, defenseless baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger among livestock. From such humble origins born of an unwed pregnant teenager (which back then was even more of a scandal than it is now) and yet, look at what that baby became.
I think it is best that we remember those humble origins more often. Too often, Christianity acts so triumphalist and powerful that we seem to have forgotten that our very faith came about from a baby born in a stable, not a mighty and powerful ruler. It is best that we realize this and keep it at the forefront during this time of year. There is no "war on Christmas". Christianity was never intended to be the dominant religion anyway. Our origins started with a baby in a manger among livestock. It really doesn't get any more humble than that.
On the other hand, what about that baby's mother? What did she have to say about the whole situation? I've been thinking a lot lately about Mary and her story and how we almost never hear from her. She has almost no lines and seems to only be a bit player in her own story. I think Mary really needs to be returned to the forefront of the Christmas story. She is, after all, the mother of Jesus. Without her, there would have never been a Jesus. When we marginalize Mary, we implicitly marginalize her role in the Christmas story, that of nurturer and comforter. We essentially say that what she did is unimportant and therefore doesn't need to be told. We make her invisible, much like women throughout history have been made invisible. When we silence Mary, we silence women. When we silence women, we marginalize or make irrelevant their roles in the life cycle. We tell them that they are not important and that their contributions are not worth mentioning. This does a disservice to all as there are many valuable and important contributions that women make and have made in the history of our world. How much richer our lives would be if we would simply acknowledge those contributions and allow all women to have a voice and to make contributions. Sadly, we don't. Even in the year 2012, we still have much work to be done on that front. In many families, women are still taught to be submissive and any money the family has goes toward the men of the family and their upbringing while the women are left to fend for themselves. In many parts of the world, women have no voice, no vote and no power and to speak up is to risk death. Even in our own United States, women still struggle to be seen as equals in many different aspects of society. It seems like things really haven't changed all that much since Mary's time. We are still marginalizing and silencing women and their roles. We are still saying that their parts aren't important. We don't give them a voice and we don't give them a role. What does that say about us? Perhaps it is time for us to finally allow Mary to have a major part in the Christmas story? Instead of letting Joseph and the angels have all the good lines, maybe it is time for us to allow Mary to speak up. What must have been going through her head when she found out that she was going to birth Jesus? What were her thoughts when she stared down at her newborn baby? What was she thinking when the angels shone down upon them? Wonder, excitement, nervousness? All of the above? Isn't it time we find out? Isn't it time we allow Mary to have a part? She has a lot to say if only we are willing to listen!

I Will Wait

Folks,
 We've entered the season of Advent. A time of waiting. Waiting for the coming of Jesus into our lives and into our world. For many of us, the waiting is the hardest part of the whole thing. We don't want to wait for anything. We want it now. I, too, am guilty of this. I freely admit that I am an instant gratification type of guy. It's why I was so hesitant to learn how to cook and always preferred fast food because I hated waiting. I don't even like to wait for water for boil when I'm making pasta. I sincerely don't like to wait. Did I mention I'm a Type A?!
What I've learned, though, is that it is a very important quality to learn how to wait. It is very important to learn how to bide your time. It is through our waiting that we can best hear the voice of God in our lives. We hear God whenever we wait for something that we really want, like our wedding day or Christmas morning. It is in the waiting that allows us the opportunity and the privilege of experiencing God's presence. In the silence and the stillness, there is God.
What does this mean for those who are still waiting? Waiting for peace? Waiting for understanding? Waiting for love? Waiting for change? What does their life look like? Does this mean that they should continue to wait in hopes that God will speak to them in their waiting? I wouldn't say that. God is also there with us when we get tired of waiting and start actually doing. God is with the protesters, the grieving parents, the lobbyists, the broken-hearted and the rejected. God is always with us wherever we go. God's voice can be heard in the midst of waiting or in the midst of action. You can't keep God out, no matter what others might do to suggest otherwise.
I don't want to diverge into a discussion of politics on here as I think that is something that is best left off of this space but over the last few days, I've been hearing a lot about how the shooting in Connecticut this past weekend happened because we have pushed God out of our schools and we are being punished for that decision. What most rankles me about that statement is that it limits God. It says that God cannot be in the school because our society has pushed God out of our schools. I don't think that's how God works. God can be anywhere God wants to be. That's just God's nature. God was in the school house that day with the children as they were crying. God was with the teachers as they were comforting the children. God was with the parents as they mourned the loss of so many young lives. To say that God couldn't be in the schoolhouse because God's no longer allowed there is insulting to God and offensive to all who believe in God. God can't be contained by our rules. God goes where God wants.
In this season of Advent, we wait. Some wait for peace for their troubled hearts. Others wait for love because they have never experienced it. Some wait for change because they are tired of living with the status quo. Still, others wait for understanding because they are tired of not being understood. What joy it is on Christmas Day when we no longer have to wait anymore. The wait is over. Jesus has finally come. He understands, loves, changes and brings peace. The wait was worth it. Let's remember that as we journey forth over this next week. The wait may be long. It may be difficult but at the end of the day, it is worth it. God is always with us, in our waiting and in our not-waiting. Jesus is the one we wait for and his coming provides us with all the desires of our deepest hearts. Are you willing to wait for Jesus? Are you willing to listen for God in the waiting? Are you willing to wait with me? Do You Hear What I Hear? It's God. Listen, you might just hear it.

The Way to Peace?

Folks, a bit of background to what I am about to post. Yesterday, for my final Reformed Worship class I preached the following sermon about peace. In light of the shooting in Connecticut this morning, it feels even more timely and relevant so I thought I should share it with others. I just will never understand people and their ways sometimes. I hope and pray that God will work in our lives to make a better world where things like this don't happen ever.
PS: The Scripture text was Phillippians 4:4-7


What does peace look like? What does peace feel like? If you were to attempt to draw a picture of peace, what would you draw? If peace were a person, what would it wear? Where would it live? What kind of car would it drive?
These might seem like rather silly questions and to a certain extent, they are. However, I think it is important for us to attempt to visualize what peace actually looks like and feels like. Then, I think we can get a better sense of what this passage from Philippians is referring to. “The Peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.”
Let’s let that sink in for a minute. “The Peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.” Obviously, Paul lived in a much different, less tumultuous time.After all, peace doesn’t even seem to exist in our world as it is today. Try saying this phrase to a mother whose son has just been murdered in a random act of violence. Try saying it to a woman whose husband just died in Afghanistan. Try saying it to the father whose daughter will be spending the next year of her life in the hospital with a rare, untreatable form of cancer. Or how about saying it to the husband whose wife died unexpectedly leaving behind four children for him to raise alone? Where is their peace?
We turn on our televisions and we see the images of war and violence and man’s inhumanity to man everywhere we look. Another violent shooting in Oregon. Another mugging in Chicago. Another teenager in Texas that has taken his own life because of bullying and abuse. It’s easy to see why it becomes increasingly hard to believe that God’s peace is anywhere to be found, let alone in our hearts.
Again, I say to you: what does peace feel like? Is it the warmth of a mother’s hand as she holds her newborn baby for the first time? Is it the touch of a child’s face against our skin as we bathe them? Does it feel like dog hair after a good, brisk run with our dogs in the park? Can that really be peace? Or the look in a doctor’s eyes as he tells the young couple that yes, they are pregnant? Is that what peace feels like?
Sister Joan Chittister once said that “Peace is the sign of a disarmed heart”. That’s a pretty great way to put it, if you ask me. What I interpret her to mean is that peace means that we have lowered our defenses and allowed others to open us up to the gifts that they bring us.  Every time we allow ourselves to open up to others, we allow the peace of God into our hearts and our minds.
The Greek word “Eirene” means peace. It can be translated as “peace between individuals i.e. harmony or concord.” It’s also where we get our English word eirenic which means “to promote or conciliate peace.” Makes me wonder if one could be an ironic eirenic? While the word “eirene” can mean this kind of peace, it can also refer to the “way that leads to peace”. Famed anti-war activist A.J. Muste once said, “There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.”
If you were to draw a picture of peace, what would you draw? Anti-war protests? A Palestinian and a Jew having a meal together? People united around the communion table? Could all those be what peace might look like? “Peace is the way.”
So, having said all that, what does this passage say to us now? “The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds forever.”  What it says to me is that when we allow God’s peace into our hearts and our minds, we will feel some sense of contentment: with ourselves, with others, with the world. Wars may rage, rivers may run, people may kill but God’s peace always provides. It means we should get out of our houses and meet the new neighbors, even though their ways may seem strange and foreign to us. It means we should comfort the crying kid on the street corner even though he smells bad and might try to mug us. It means we should open our homes and our hearts to those who we don’t like. It even means that we are called to love Glenn Beck and Pat Robertson, horrifying as that may seem to some of us! When we do these things, when we embrace the stranger and break bread with the outcast and share our joys with the single mom on welfare, then we have truly understood God’s peace and have begun to fully embody it.
If peace were a person, what would it wear? Where would it live? Would it wear the latest fashions and live in the nicest house in the Hamptons? Or would it wear the rattiest clothes and live in a one bedroom, bug-infested apartment in Harlem? Or perhaps something in between: some Old Navy and J. Crew outfits living in the middle of Oklahoma, perhaps? Maybe all three of these? What kind of car would peace drive? A Hybrid Prius? A beat-up pickup truck? A Ferrari, even?
The answer is: all of the above. Anywhere where people strive to embody the peace of God, the peace that surpasses understanding, there is where peace is. It can happen in the Hamptons or Harlem and even Oklahoma. Peace can and does happen everywhere. That’s the real beauty and the real joy of our lives. And it is worth remembering at all times and in all places. “There is no way to peace. Peace is the Way”. Let’s be the peace. Let’s remember to always live into God’s peace, whatever that may look like. Holding hands with a stranger. Having dinner with your mortal enemy. Promising to watch over and protect a single mother’s new born baby. When you do any or all of these things, you fully embody God’s peace. Peace be with You. Amen!

It's Time

I'm back! I get so bad about remembering to update this thing. Anyway, I thought it was imperative to give everyone an update on how my life is going and where things are at this point in the semester.

The semester ends in just a few weeks. How am I feeling about it? Pretty good, actually. I'd say I'm on track to have my best semester yet, both academically and personally. In that respect, then, things are going pretty great. I'm having trouble finding a balance between too busy and not busy enough. That might sound odd to some but it's the truth. Last semester was too busy but this semester doesn't feel busy enough. Some weeks have been pretty busy but other weeks have had nothing going down for a significant stretch. I think that is what happens when you only take 3 classes. While my non-class commitments do take up a significant chunk of time, I still find myself with hours every week with nothing to do (or at least, nothing that I want to do). The problem I seem to be having is that when I don't have a lot to do, my body therefore responds by not doing much of anything as a way to accommodate. While it has been nice to have the time to sit on the couch in my pajamas and watch TV all day, it also feels very lazy. I feel like I should be doing something. In most cases, I actually should be doing something (I have a 12 page research paper due in a couple weeks and I have yet to even pick a topic) but I just lack the motivation or ambition to do it. It's like my Type A personality can't handle not having anything to do. It doesn't know how to react to this. It doesn't know what it should be doing so it therefore does nothing. I've been battling insomnia all semester and I suspect that it could be at least partly due to this. Rather than not sleeping because I'm too stressed, I'm not sleeping because I'm not stressed enough! Does this actually happen to other people? Can anyone else report an incidence of this actually occurring? I feel odd that I find this to be a problem. I also am not sure how to fix it. I definitely don't want to fall into the trap of being too busy again. I still remember how not fun that was. I guess I just need to work on finding some sort of balance in my life. That seems to be the hardest part for me. I either go overboard or don't do much of anything. I can't ever seem to find a middle ground.

On a lighter note, i wanted to report that last month I was blessed to be part of the Seminary's production of "The Laramie Project". For those who aren't familiar with the show, it's a play about Matthew Shepard and the town of Laramie, Wyoming and how they responded to his death. The impetus to put on the production happened because I really felt an urge to get back on stage. After watching the Vagina Monologues last spring, I realized how much I missed being on stage. I walked away from it two years ago because I realized that I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. This time, however, was going to be different. This time was going to be not about me. It was going to be about honoring Matthew Shepard and getting the seminary community to show its support for the LGBTQ community. So, I brought forward the idea of putting on a staged reading of the show here at the Seminary and received enthusiastic support for it. I gathered a group of fellow seminarians who all expressed interest in being a part of it and together, we put it on for the entire community to rave reviews and great response. We even managed to raise over $200 for the Matthew Shepard Foundation so it was a true success in every sense of the word. It also inspired and influenced me. After almost three years away from acting and almost ten years away from directing, I realized how much I had missed being a part of that world. I was so proud to be a part of the cast and I was reminded of all the things that I missed about the theatre world without being reminded of all the things I didn't miss. The maturity, professionalism, and adultness of my cast was so refreshing especially since several of them had never done any theatre before. There was no drama, no immaturity and no unprofessional behavior. It went off with absolutely no hitches. I became aware of just how powerful the theatre can be. How it can express ideas and emotions that other art forms can't. Also, just how healing the stage can be. It has the power to do so much good. For me, I realized that I really need to make the stage a fixture in my ministry. I've been thinking for several years about how I'd like to start a music and drama ministry but now I realize that that is an absolutely vital part of my ministry. I especially want to reach out to the at-risk and under-privileged youth out there. I think that allowing them to use their creative gifts on the stage or through music or art can be such a transformative even healing experience for them. It will give them something to look forward to and something to keep them busy and off the streets. Maybe it will even save their lives. Who knows for sure? I do know that I can help bring all that about using my talents and interests. I guess you could say I have fallen back in love with the stage. Now, though, it's not about me. It's about what effect the theatre will have on others. How will it spur conversation on tough topics? How will it transform someone's life? How will it impact a youth who has lived on the streets and only knows the culture of violence? If I can be a part of that change, then maybe all those years I spent doing theatre really weren't a waste of my time. If I can have some sort of positive impact on the life of a person through the medium of theatre, then it will have all been worth it. That's where my thought process is right now with regards to what comes next after I graduate. As for what that will look like or how I will make it happen, not real sure on that yet. Fortunately, I have another two years or so to think it through before I'm done anyway.

That's about all I feel like reporting on at this time. Hope everyone had a restful, fun and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Mine was extremely relaxing and blissful and included time with family and friends which is how the holidays should be. Blessings and remember: God Loves You and so do I!

Home

 Well folks, classes are back in full swing and so that means that I am officially back in the swing of things. Summer was really great but it feels good to get back into the rhythm of school and life here on campus. I'm so far having a really great, easy time with everything. After the stress of last semester, I decided to take things a little bit easier this semester and so am finding myself with lots of down time which is something I had been missing! My fall class schedule looks like this:
 Greek Reading M 1 - 2
 Seminary Singers M 5:15 - 6:45
 Introduction to Christian Ethics: Economic & Food Justice T/F 10:20 - 11:50
 Presbyterian Polity T 7 - 10 (although this class is mostly conducted online and really only meets in person like four times the entire semester)
 Hebrew Reading W 11 - 12
 Reformed Worship TH 2 - 5

Yeah, not much at all. 12 units, to be exact, which is the least I have ever taken in my entire life. I cannot tell you how freeing it feels. I actually have time to have a life and watch TV and blog and all those other little things that I didn't ever have time for last semester. Plus, I've got enough non-class related commitments around here that I felt it was necessary to lighten my course load enough that I would be able to be fully present and fully committed to all my classes and my other responsibilities. I'm serving as a Chaplain's Assistant this year which means I am part of a team that helps plan, organize, and lead all 4 of our weekly campus chapel services here. It's a pretty big commitment but it is also a lot of fun. We've already gotten compliments on our services and how powerful they've been which is so great to hear since chapel is such a central part of this community. I'm gaining a lot of useful skills from it that I think will serve me well out in the church setting. I've been learning how to write liturgy and recruit liturgists and select appropriate hymns for the service and compose a worship bulletin. All things that will serve me well out in the "real world". It's also allowing me to stretch my creativity somewhat and work in unfamiliar territory. It's also teaching me how to work collaboratively which is something that is hard for me since I tend to be a very independent person. Yet, I've been learning how important and even crucial feedback from colleagues is. Their ideas and their input are an important part of the process so it is good for me to learn how to accept it. I tend to have a hard time accepting criticism. I need to learn how to do a better job of it. I'm hopeful that the next year will help me with that.

 I think I've finally found my place here on campus. I didn't really blog about this but I spent a good part of last year feeling really disconnected from the campus and really starting to question if I had a place here. I did consider leaving but ultimately decided to stay and work through those issues. I think that is something I have always struggled with: that feeling of being disconnected from people and places. I know I experienced it in college which is why I almost left there after my first year. I think part of it may have to do with my social anxiety issues. Being around people is hard for me and I feel like I have a hard time fitting in. It even hit me when I was living in Chicago; that sense of feeling completely and utterly alone and like you don't belong. A lot of that may have to do with being the new person. That may explain why I've felt more at peace this year. I'm now a confident and experienced second year with several leadership positions on campus so I'm someone that the first year students can really look up to and ask advice from. I've really enjoyed that experience. I'm enjoying my role as somebody who knows and remembers what they are going through and can therefore give them advice that is important for them to hear. I hope they experience a sense of peace when they see me and know that I am always there for them if they need somebody to listen to them complain about the workload or the stress level.

  It took me a year but I think California and SFTS are starting to feel more and more like my home. I'm in a really good place right now. Not sad, not depressed, not questioning my very presence or existence. Just happy and content. Things are going really well in my life. All the ducks are in a row, as they say, and the ones that aren't might soon be (more on that hopefully!). A friend of mine wrote on her blog that she's got that "middler swagger" and I think that's pretty true for me as well. I've got "swagger" to spare this year!!