Thankfulness

I wanted to just take a minute to remember all the many things that I am thankful for this year. In the midst of tragedy, it can be hard to find things to be thankful for but I will try. This blog post may come off as really depressing but it's not meant to sound that way, I promise. I know that this past week has emotionally been one of the most difficult ones I have ever experienced and so to tell the truth, I wasn't really sure how ready I was for Thanksgiving as I have been feeling really homesick lately in the aftermath of my attack. One thing that has been made apparent to me is just how alone I feel here. I know that may sound crazy considering I live with 5 other people in one of the largest cities in the USA. Yet, it's true. I haven't been here long enough to build up the kind of support networks that I have back home so in the last few days, I have just felt a deep sense of loneliness which is a feeling that I have never really experienced before. Even when I lived by myself, I never felt alone or that I didn't have anybody to lean on for support. Now, in the midst of so many people, all I feel is a crushing sense of loneliness and occasionally despair.

Yet, I am so thankful to have the friends that I do in my life. I have received so many messages of support and love over the last week and those have been really helpful. Talking about the incident has actually proven to be really helpful and cathartic for me. I'm starting to feel better and have already started replacing my lost stuff. Thanks to the generosity of the people I work for, I already have a new Ipod touch which I like a lot!! My new phone is on the way and I am working on getting new cards and everything sent to me. So, I will eventually be able to replace the things that were lost. I'm also thankful that I didn't end up in a coma or worse. I know how lucky I am to have had no major, life threatening injuries and so for that I am glad.

I'm also thankful for families that are willing to adopt me for the holidays and make sure I get a traditional Thanksgiving feast with plenty of food, laughter and fellowship.

I'm so thankful that I have housemates who are just as ridiculous as I am and see nothing wrong with turning our downstairs living room into a blanket fort or spending all day today playing Wii games and eating pizza. It's good to know that some people out there get my brand of insanity.

I'm still so thankful that I did the YAV program and know that I made the right decision even if I sometimes question it. I struggle with a lot of self-doubt over whether or not I am cut out for this type of living. Living in community and living a simple lifestyle are the hardest things I have ever done as they take me out of my comfort zone and so I am sometimes left questioning if I am failing at this YAV thing. If they gave out grades for being a YAV, I sometimes wonder if I would pass. I'm not the greatest people person and not a huge extrovert and I am also a Type A personality and those qualities don't always mix well with the YAV program. Somedays are a real struggle for me and I sometimes wonder if I should just quit now and head home and give up trying to make a difference in the world or change my self or find myself or whatever else I signed up to do this for. Yet, I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing good in the world and making a difference and I need to stop being so hard on myself and expecting so much from everything and everybody. That way only leads to pain and misery and I am tired of living that life. I'm happier than I have ever been even if I don't always remember that!!

I'm thankful for the struggles because they remind me of how hard life can be. Life is a struggle and can be difficult and not easy and not fun and sometimes it just plain sucks. Yet, there's always something beautiful to be found in the midst of the tough times. Even when I am at my lowest point, I remember that God still loves me. That has never and will never change and perhaps it would do good for me to remember that more than I do. It's easy for me to be angry with God after what has happened and it's tempting but that won't do me any good. It won't help the healing process any and will actually make things more difficult for me. It's in times of distress that we can best remember who we belong to and who loves us. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

I'm finally thankful for the gift of discernment. I finally feel like I have some sense of life direction and vocational discernment. I've been spending some time talking to God about it and have discovered a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I'm going to begin the application process over Christmas Break and have already started to narrow down schools. Will keep you posted on here as to how the process is going but I am really am so glad to no longer be feeling like I am just drifting through my life. I hope this aspect of it continues and that I can actually get accepted and go to the school of my choice. If I hadn't done YAV, I might still be drifting around lost and with no sense of direction so in that sense I know I made the right decision even if it is hard to believe it sometimes.

Like I said, I have a lot to be thankful for and I felt it only appropriate to share it on this particular holiday weekend. I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving full of food, laughter, family and fellowship. May you continue to have safe travels and happy journeys over the course of this holiday season. I love this time of year and am looking forward to experiencing someplace cold finally!!