"God is a sadistic prick. Worship me and I'll treat you like shit."
So, here is a blog post that I was hoping never to have to write although I had it prepared in my mind for the past few weeks just in case. I've blogged on here before about how I was finally feeling called by God to head to seminary. I was really excited about finally having some sense of direction and some sort of purpose in my life finally. I was so looking forward to starting seminary in the fall and couldn't wait to finally be back in academia. Well, I sadly have some bad news to report on that front. Apparently, God decided to play yet another trick on me. I found out end of last week that both the seminaries I applied to rejected my application for admission for the fall. When I first got the letters, I have to admit I felt completely dejected and saddened by the news. I cried for a good 20 minutes and still find myself on the verge of tears sometimes over it. You better believe I said some very harsh things to God and may have even called him some very offensive names in the process. However, all that is over with. I've finished crying all my tears and I am now trying to see the good in this situation.
Perhaps God determined that I just wasn't ready for seminary. Maybe I still have too much self-loathing and haven't done enough growing up to adequately prepare me for the ministry. Maybe I'll be ready for it next year. Maybe in ten or twenty years, I will be ready. Maybe I'm not meant to go and I have been misinterpreting God's call. Maybe I wasn't meant to go to the schools I applied to. Maybe God has an odd sense of humor and thinks screwing around with me like this is some idea of a colossal joke. He does seem to have a sick sense of humor after all. I admit to having no idea why God has put this obstacle in front of me.
As I always do, I took the rejections pretty personal and blamed myself for them. As in, if I had just written better essays or had a better transcript or chosen different references or applied to more schools or the list goes on and on. Yes, I'm very angry at God right now. I think I have every right to be. I mean, I finally think I've figured out what he wants me to do next with my life and then He has the audacity to say no!! What gives??!! I'm ashamed to admit this but there was a brief moment when I contemplated suicide. I know, I'm so ashamed of myself for even thinking those thoughts as I really thought I was past that stage of my life. Apparently not, which really upsets me. However, I was so emotionally distraught that night I got the second rejection letter that my thoughts were so full of hurt and pain and anger. It's hard not to see it as a personal rejection. It's hard not to read those letters and see it as them saying, "We're sorry but you are simply too fat, ugly, stupid and gross to come to our school so please go away and don't ever come back". It's like I'm the kid on the playground once again being picked last or told I couldn't play with the cool kids. I know I shouldn't see it that way but I can't help how I feel. I'm just so tired of being rejected from things. It hurts.
Anyway, I've had a few days to process everything. I'm now able to see it more as their loss than mine. If they don't want me, then they don't even know what they're missing. I've started exploring other options for next year but would prefer to keep a lid on them until I have more to report. Let's just say I always end up having to implement Plan B and I am getting really tired of it. Trying to stay positive and optimistic and realize that God doesn't close a door without opening a window. While I am still very, very bitter and angry at Him, I am having to learn how to continue to rely on Him for guidance and assurance. I know that He will lead me down the path that is best for me but I just wish that path was the one I want to take for once!! I've joked with friends over the last couple of days that I'm going to change my name to Job as that really is how I feel sometimes. I know that everything will work out for the best but I just hate that I always have to hit my lowest point emotionally before that can happen. Prayers for me during this time would be greatly appreciated as I try to once again discern where God is leading me next. Hopefully, I will have an answer to that question soon but I'm learning to wait on God's time, not mine!!
"It's all ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."