What does life look like post graduation from graduate school? I am about to find out!

Friday, March 30, 2012

I'm No Superman

Ok, so sometimes writing this blog can seem tedious. Other times, it can seem like I am being too personal. The following post is going to be one of those times. This blog is meant to be my catharsis and as such I sometimes use it to get out my feelings. That can be hard for me in a lot of cases so bear with me here as I "pour my heart out" and get across what I am feeling.
I've written on here before about how I am a Type A who likes to stay busy and keep myself active. I've also written briefly about how this has been a rough semester for me. I think I've finally been able to pin down what about this semester has been so rough.
Simply put, and this next part might shock you as it did me, I have been too busy. I know, I don't think I have ever actually uttered those words in my life before now. It's true, though. I have learned that even I can take on too much and this semester has been a perfect example of that. I've realized that I have what many call a "savior complex" meaning that I always have to take on everything and save everybody else because who else is going to do it if I don't? This is also why I have a hard time saying no to people, including myself. Therefore, when it came time to register for classes I told myself that I could handle taking 19 units and still have a social life and do everything else that I like to do.
Well, simply put, that hasn't been the case. While I am staying afloat in my classes and haven't fallen behind, I am also feeling so completely drained at the end of every week. I feel like I have no time for anything but homework. My social life has been almost non-existant and don't even get me started on how little TV I've managed to watch this semester.
I have realized that I haven't been able to make time for the things that nurture my spirit: yoga, playing the guitar, reading for pleasure, TV shows, spending time with friends. All of those activities have been minimal if at all this semester. I've learned my lesson.
What I have learned is that while yes, I can indeed do everything and handle so many things at once, I've realized that I don't actually want to do that anymore. I miss spending time outside of class just relaxing or taking a hike. I miss just watching TV or reading a book. I miss learning to play the guitar or doing yoga. I haven't really had time to do any of those things this semester and that is what has led to it being a rough semester.
I think what I am trying to make clear here is that, quite frankly, I'm worn out. I'm tired of being the over-achiever. I'm sick of always having to feel like I have to stay constantly busy and engaged in order to be happy. Can I do it? Yes, but I don't really want to anymore. I'm at the point where I am kinda craving boredom, if you can believe that. Perhaps it's time for Superman to hang up his cape and retire from being a superhero. Maybe it's time that I acknowledge that I really don't want to do it all anymore.
Registration for Fall Semester starts in a couple weeks and I am going to promise myself not to take on too many classes. I need to remember that 4 (5 at most) is a pretty good load, especially here. I think that way I will be able to fully engage with the material and actually grasp it, which is something that hasn't really happened to me yet this semester.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit this publicly (or as public as this blog could be). It's hard to admit that you don't want to do it all anymore. It's hard to confess such a thing and be held accountable for it. Now, the problem is: If I'm no longer everybody's hero or savior, then what am I? What role do I serve then if I'm not serving in the only role I've ever had? Where do I fit in the picture now? Even better question: how do I get to the point where I feel like I can say no to someone, including myself? What needs to happen internally for me to have the self-confidence to say "I'm sorry I can't" or "I'm sorry, I wont"?
Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be admitting that I can't/won't do it all. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I'm really going to spend some time discerning what this means as far as my future, especially the next year. As I've gotten more involved here at school, a lot of opportunities have fallen into my lap that I might need to re-evaluate and decide what I feel like I can honestly give myself fully to this next year. This may mean I choose not to be involved in something or not to apply for something that I really want to do. However, while the resume padding is great, what's more important is that I be able to be fully present and fully there and be able to give myself completely to everything. If I am unable to do that, then I need to say no regardless of how good an opportunity it might be for me. I'm putting myself first. What a concept!!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Long Time Gone

Well, folks, I apologize for my long absence from this here blog but if you knew how busy my life was this semester you would totally understand. The next time I announce that I want to take 19 units, somebody please stop me!!
No, seriously, folks. Classes are really going well but I feel like I am always busy. Yes, I know that I like to say that I like staying busy but sometimes I wonder if I took on too much. I think next semester, I'm going to make some significant changes so that I don't end up this busy and completely drained all the time. While I really like my classes (most of them anyways) I just always feel so drained and am so ready for the weekend to get here.
Anyway, I'm over halfway done with the Spring Semester. Spring Break starts next week and I am so looking forward to having that break for a few days. I really need it. I need to give my brain some time off and just relax and enjoy myself for a few days.
I've had a good semester so far. I went to Kentucky a few weekends ago for a meeting and got the chance to hang out with some of my YAV friends while I was in town. It felt really good to get away for a few days, even if it was to Kentucky. I narrowly avoided a tornado and a snowstorm and made lots of new friends. All in all, it was a good trip even though it took me forever to recover from it.
Other than that, not much to report on this front. I am going to try and be better about blogging as I know how important it is to my loyal readers. At some point, I do want to open this space up to talk about issues that have become important to me here at school. I want to be able to share my opinions about things on here. I will try and do that again. I know I've done that in the past. I will bring it back, I promise. For now, though, I thought it was imperative to let you all know that I am still alive and enjoying myself. Spring Break is so close and I am so ready!! Hope you all have been well. More later!!